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I grew up in a small rural town. I loved leaving that town for college. I went to a college that was in a larger town close-ish to a somewhat large city. The summer before graduating, I visited my then-boyfriend-now -husband in the big city where he was interning, I can’t describe how much I loved the city. I stayed awake for two days straight, wandering the streets, visiting the different neighborhoods, feeling so alive! I have lived in that city for my entire life, other than a four year stint overseas for my husband’s work. I could write pages about why I love it, but I will try to summarize: I love the world quality everything (art, music, food), i love the way people can experiment with different selves, i love how you can find connections with people who seem so different, I love the juxtaposition of beautiful and ugly and the possibility of the ugly being transformed, I love the vast differences between people and both the possibility of learning from each other peacefully and learning through conflict, and I love the inability to ignore the desperate needs of people that I live elbow to elbow with.

I have several children and they have all grown up in urban elementary/middle schools and taken the bus or public transportation to a nearby "campus" high school. My second to youngest is graduating this year so it will be only the youngest at home. In middle school she showed signs of anxiety (cutting) and we got her into a very good program. She now has excellent mental health and coping, but the city makes her anxious. The unpredictability of people who have mental health issues, drug issues, or just nothing to lose, makes her anxious. She has worked on this in therapy and it’s not something she has been able to manage, other than avoidance. So she never takes public transportation, she doesn’t like walking far from our apartment, and I have adjusted work so that I can drive her back and forth to school. We have a house in the country that we go to for holidays and the summer, and she is a different person out there.

In the fall, I realized that now that she will be the only one at home, we should move close to her school. We bought a house a short walk away and plan to move after her sibling graduates (to minimize disruption in his final year - he is involved in music programs that meet daily in the city, and the commute would be really hard on him). She is so happy about this and has thrived this year with the move in front of her.

I have felt a growing sense of dread. Of course, I am glad that she will be content and not anxious and it helps to see her so much happier. But I am having a hard time picturing a happy daily life for me in this quiet, pristine, and manicured neighborhood. I have been praying, thinking positive thoughts, connecting with friends who moved to the suburbs, whatever I can think of to turn my thoughts. My husband and I went to Costco this weekend for the first time ever, and I tried to be happy about it. There is a great article in last summer’s Economist about what a great business model it is, how good they are to their employees, and how thoughtful they are about their impact in the world, but I came home and sobbed. I want to run to the corner market and pay too much for milk to the Korean guy I’ve known for a decade.

I know we can move back when she’s graduated and settled but that seems like a very long time in the future with many long quiet days stretching out in front of me. If anyone else has dealt with this, please tell me how you managed. And I’m sorry if this post is irritating - I know there are people out there with real, life and death existential problems, and I can only imagine that whining about this is annoying. But I am having so much trouble shaking the sense of dread.

Hello Pippin!

I left a small town for college in the big city and stayed for twenty two years! Totally loved that city (still do) for all the reasons you describe.Left my beloved city and moved to a funky small town about 1/2 hour commute away when D was three. Not exactly a pristine, manicured suburb but worlds away from our big city existence. Still worked in the city for a couple of years, so not a total break. Felt connected to city life. Kept my city health care team, hair stylist etc. Eventually established a career in a nearby town. That's when the feeling of dislocation you're struggling with finally kicked in. If it's not too inconvenient to travel into the city, to ease the transition maybe keep your city service/medical people for a while? Sort of wean yourself away gradually? Years later, every couple of months I still travel into my city for haircuts. A great excuse to make that familiar journey - to putter around new places and visit old haunts.

For the record ;-), felt kinda maneuvered into relocating by circumstance - the big city public school placements are lottery based. For lots of reasons, not knowing which schools D would attend for elementary, middle or high school didn't work for us. Too many variables and unknowns. Know many people who managed to make it work for their families, so leaving was definitely our choice, but still.....

We have to do what we hope is best for our kids.

How did I manage adapting to a new way of life? Making human to human connections in the small town definitely helped. Seek out and find your new tribe! They're out there, but will take some effort to connect with. And no way around it, you will mourn the loss of big city identity. Which will take time to move through. The only way out is through, as they say.

When D was in elementary school, I got to know lots of people in the community through her school. Sounds like your D is older but could you volunteer at her school? Does your new neighborhood have any community type groups/clubs? How about volunteering with community action groups, food bank, the local library, League of Women Voters, etc. Making a contribution to the community could help you to VALUE the community. Desperate need is everywhere; it's just not as evident in the manicured suburbs as the in-your-face desperate need of urbanites living elbow to elbow. Find a need in the suburb and get involved addressing it.

One thought - sounds like you now have a country house AND a suburban house. Do you "need" the country house now that the more countrified suburb will be day to day reality? Plus your kids are growing up and creating their own lives, so as the years march on they may not be free to spend summers/vacations in the country house. How about investing in a city pied-a-terre for escapes to the city? That way you can keep a toe hold in expensive big city real estate market, and have a place ready for a return to big city living when the nest is empty. Or rent it out in the meantime maybe? Just an idea.

Hang in there. Think if you put yourself out there and work to find a new comfort zone through PEOPLE rather than focus on SETTING, given time, things will normalize. People are people are people, wherever we go.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:40 PM, Tuesday, May 6th]

Hi Pippin,

It’s a loving thing you are doing, moving so your youngest can let some anxiety go.

Hopefully you can find some things to love about your relocation. It sounds like a very short term situation, so you can have the city back when your littlest fledges. In my old suburban home, chosen for the great local schools, parks and low crime, there were still so many lovely little discoveries. Shops owned for generations, local butchers, florists, gift shops, farmers markets, holiday celebrations, quaint parks, interesting cemeteries, community celebrations... Even in the tiniest of towns. We have found things to love and miss everywhere we have lived. We have a city condo and a quiet place in the country now. Best of both worlds, not sure how I could pick just one anymore. I thought I could, but for me, there is no perfect place to be. I’m trying to just be happy where I am.

Are you renting? Buying? Can you focus on nesting and making the space your own?n Do something you couldn’t in the city? Gardening is what my kids miss most in the city. And Costco can make anybody cry. Just the scope, but also the rampant excess consumerism. Find your local grocery chain and learn to love shopping there for now.

That’s all I’ve got, best of luck with this last parenting push. They are grown and off on their lives too quickly.

Just going to put my 2 cents worth on this. One thing ai firmly believe with life and all it brings is this....
Everything happens for a reason. Absolutely everything.

Even the thing that brings us here. Even my new diagnosis of cancer. We may not be able to see it but trust in the universe, fate, or faith of that's your thing.

When my first baby was 8 mos old we had to move 10 hours away from family, friends, support. I knew no one. Of course our M grew much stronger and I blossomed a bit and became much more independent and made a few Absolutely amazing lifelong friends. We stayed for 1 month shy of 2 yrs and found out we were able to return home with family the day after my second baby was born. I also got a different job that allowed me to learn so much more and become an Even better nurse than I was.
Trust in the change embrace it and see what we and exciting things life will bring you.