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Have any of you out there gotten any of the card games that claim to create more closeness in your relationship. As some know my history, my WW really isn’t much of a "work doer" towards reconciliation. We need to work on our communication skills and these games, believe it or not, do have some questions that are somewhat difficult to answer. I’m finding it to be a baby step towards a positive trend. She also has finally agreed to couples counseling even though she’s not interested in IC. My IC says that maybe if she can engage in some MC then there’s a chance she won’t find IC so intimidating for her. Who knows but I’ve always said if I see any positive progress then I won’t give up on the marriage. That being said, it’s been a very trying time to get through this working mostly alone. Anyway, just curious if any others have tried any of these games.

Attempting to get closer to your WW before she's put in the work on herself and proven that she's a safe partner is putting the cart before the horse. All you're doing is setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment.

Typically, when an WS opts for MC and not IC, it's because they want to frame their infidelity as a "problem with the marriage" (ie, the BS), and focus on their pre-A problems and resentments. This was certainly my experience, and it's also why you see a lot of posts by BSs who find that MC does more harm than good when dealing with an unremorseful (or at least indolent) WS.

I think you need to honestly assess what you define as progress. In my opinion, progress means that she's working hard at reconciliation, being proactive, and taking accountability (even if she doesn't always get it right 100% of the time). It does not mean that she says the right things and throws you a bone occasionally, but you're still carrying the burden of keeping the relationship afloat.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:42 PM, Thursday, May 22nd]

My XWH's IC suggested them for us. We did some, but my XWH has no follow-through so they kind of piddled out. I think it was too soon for me because I still had no trust in XWH.

They were thought-provoking and could be a good tool for communication skill building.

Attempting to get closer to your WW before she's put in the work on herself and proven that she's a safe partner is putting the cart before the horse. All you're doing is setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment.

Totally agree. If she doesn’t want to reveal her inner world to you, then you can’t make her. And if she does want to, there is nothing you would have to do to facilitate it. This is a problem you can’t solve because you are trying to make another sentient human being act according to your will instead of her own.

I think those games can be a nice tool to prompt forward two well intentioned players. Your wife is intentionally hiding herself. Totally different situation.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:38 PM, Friday, May 23rd]

We went to a Gottman retreat 6 months after dday. I wasn’t at all R material but we were grasping for straws at that time.

Anyway, they gave us some cards to sit and take turns answering questions. And I think you can purchase them and they have an app for it.

I have to say this for me was my first glimmer of hope we could reconnect and did provide me inspiration towards striving for more. The cards didn’t ask deep questions but somehow led to some great and connecting conversations. There were different points we were moved towards tears, and not the kind of tears we had been experiencing. I think this was a turning point for me to see that all was not lost if I was willing to work for it. I think it doesn’t hurt to try it. It may not give you the same results.

Not all that leads to reconciliation is trying to talk about and navigate affair stuff. You both have to see glimmers of what is there to fight for. We also took weekend trips once a quarter with a moratorium on affair stuff. It was my job to plan them. We made sure to have one date once a month with the same moratorium.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:29 PM, Friday, May 23rd]

I tried the couples cards with my WS about 7 months after dday1. It was part of a weekend "staycation" we did while our kid was with grandparents. WS played along with some reluctance while we were driving to lunch, but he didn't find them very compelling, and we never did them again. I eventually threw them out sometime after dday4 (which happened a couple months later). My advice would be don't waste your money. It would be different if your WS bought them and asked you to do them with him, but if your experience is anything like mine, you doing it isn't going to help.

Hikingout, it was her idea to get the card games, and we have purchased two different games, each time (each different game) there were a couple of serious questions that brought her to tears. They weren’t necessarily affair related questions but she showed emotion that is unlike her. Some other questions that ask what you could change about yourself, she refers to wishing she could change her behavior but she has difficulty in actually working to the change. I’m realistic, not overwhelmed with the show of emotion, but I’m also not closed off to the possibility of desire to change on her part. I’m skeptical but also hopeful.