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How would you feel if you found out that your WS had recorded an argument between you both, without your knowledge?

Last night I came across a 1.03 minute audio recording, from a few weeks ago, when we had a huge row. I listened and it confirmed it was a brief recording of the argument. During the argument I was hysterically crying, telling him to just leave me alone. Historically he shows little empathy and becomes very defensive – and when I am emotionally flooding, I simply cannot cope with him refusing to leave me alone and listening to his excuses/lies/defensiveness! It is a really unhealthy, toxic cycle. He has made numerous promises to do things differently moving forward, and give me space / time when I need it. It never happens.

So the recording was of me trying to get my headphones off from him (I had them on before as I was asking to be left alone, but he took them off my head ☹ ). In the recording, you can hear him saying very intentionally "stop grabbing me, stop grabbing me" and me crying saying "I’m not grabbing you, I’m just trying to get my headphones back". I recall it even felt odd at the time that he was saying that and at some point in the argument I even asked him if he was recording me or something!

I am mortified that he has done this without my knowledge. I feel violated, unsafe and deeply betrayed (on top of everything else). He has said it is because I was being so loud and screaming that he was worried the police would be called and he had that as evidence. But evidence, how so?! It’s a one minute recording, of him telling me to stop "grabbing" him, when I wasn’t, I was simply trying to get my headphones! If feels like he was trying to manipulate the situation to him being a victim. If he truly wanted the situation to not escalate, he could have just left me alone. I was pleading with him to just leave me alone, I was not screaming and shouting AT HIM!

He has claimed he has never done this before. I do not believe this, as I have sensed before he has and he has threatened to record me with I’m upset and angry numerous times. He also claims that he took that recording and then completely forgot about it. If it was the first time he had done it, surely he would remember?

I feel so disgusted, I feel sick just thinking about how he could again betray my trust in such a way (again), when I am vulnerable and flooding - when he could just leave me alone to calm down. And maybe show me some care and empathy. Ugh 😣

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 12:36 PM, Friday, June 20th]

I’m sorry for you.

This is manipulation 100%.

And if you think he’s done it in the past, I would believe he probably has, based on this last interaction.

Really shady behavior.

It is manipulative, isn't it? If he were worried about the "police being called", he had numerous options to hand, that don't involve secretly recording me and trying to implicate me in "grabbing him". He could have left me alone like I asked, shown some empathy maybe.

I guarantee he has done it before.

I'm at work at the moment but the thought of having to go home later makes me feel sick. I'm in utter disbelief.

And this morning when I said I don't want to be married to a man like that, he retorts that he doesn't want to be married to a woman like me. And then sends a text later from work, all apologies.

I'm so tired of this.

Wow...

This is beyond manipulative. This is abuse.

First of all: Recording you without your knowledge or consent isn’t legal in the UK, so any use he might make of the recording is dubious and can even turn in his hands.

Second: This is premeditation. He is recording with a purpose or goal. It’s no accident, not the first, not something that just happened.

Third: In your last thread he was packing a bag to leave. Thread before that is titled Still no change in three years...
There are other threads ranging back with names like Giving up, Broke no contact and so on.

Friend – what change are you expecting from him?

He is setting you up for something with that recording. And none of it good.

He is not a safe person to be around.

He texts an apology? Coward is the only word that comes to mind.

Part 1:

For a while (as the betrayed), I had set up a shortcut to start recording on my phone for my own protection.

In fact, many people here will advise a VAR or other means of recording and protecting yourself even if legally dubious.

I'm not suggesting your WH is *right* to record you, but it's entirely possible he is afraid your relationship is coming apart and doesn't want you to have any extra ammunition on him or claim false DV against him. He has probably gotten his own advice on the internet on that sort of thing.

My guess is that you guys are in a pretty bad place and he is doing this *more* out of self protection than specific manipulation.

Part 2 to my response based on part 1:

He is 100% lying to you that he has never done this before or that he forgot he did it. Most likely he has it on a shortcut (e.g. a double press of the volume down button). That lie is much more suspect than the behavior itself, but is probably a part of a pattern of his self interest and self protection. He is trying to minimize and deny, which is a terrible pattern for a wayward to show.

You guys are not in a good place right now, and I think you really ought to be considering was sort of relationship you want with this man.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:00 PM, Friday, June 20th]

I'll suggest that even if your H recorded your fight to protect himself against you, in case you have recordings that you'll doctor to make him look guilty, he's over all reasonable lines by not complying with your demand to be left alone, and even more over the line by taking your 'phones.

This sounds like physical abuse to me, or at best, one step before painful physical abuse.

Have you started D proceedings? Again, what's holding you back?

What support do you have IRL?

Thank you all (again). I've been here so many times, it's embarrassing to be honest. I've written countless threads of a similar nature. I'm exhausted from it all and feel like I have no where else to turn. I have no one in the world I can trust, I no longer confide in anyone about what has been happening - everyone who knew about the affair is just of the impression that we are fine now. I'm scared of being judged for staying if I shared how many times he has let me down and the things he has done. And I feel this need deep down to protect his character to people for some reason. Because beneath it all I still think he is "a good guy who has done bad things". This now though, speaks very differently to me. Making a one minute long recording of me asking that he leave me the fuck alone whilst crying and then very clearly saying him saying "stop grabbing me, stop grabbing me" when I was trying to just get my headphones back from him, feels to me more that he was trying to make me implicit - not self defense. It feels like he was gagging to catch me at my worst. The amount of times he has threatened to record my "disgusting behaviour", well I can't count on two hands. And this "disgusting behaviour" always off the back of the fact that he has been Gaslighting me by lying, or refusing to leave me alone when I am flooding. I mean, what kind of husband does that to his wife? Takes a secret recording of her, implying that she has assaulted him (I. E "grabbing"), to show the police should they turn up? That is not self protection, it's getting ready to throw his wife under the bus if it comes to it. The worst is that not long after this recording, I was laying sobbing on our dogs bed, begging him to just leave me alone. I often feel like he is "telling me off", which sort of leads to me flooding and then hitting myself 😣

It is abuse, I know it is. I wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't. But this now, feels like something has shifted.

I know in my gut he has recorded stuff before. Yet he swears on our kids lives that he hasn't (like he has before when he knows he's lying). Like I say, as if for whatever reason he desperately wants to capture me at my worst. Whether it's because he wants to feel like a victim for his own conscience, or feel superior in some way, I don't know.

He has said that although he did record me, he "didn't mean to cause me harm". What?! Like his affair didn't mean to cause me harm? Or his constantly messaging and deleting texts from other women throughout our marriage didn't mean to cause me harm? And his constant lying and breaking promises hasn't mean to cause me harm? So long as the harm isn't intentional, then betraying someone's trust is... What... On some level, a bit more acceptable?