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Reconciliation :
But What About Empathy?

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 Asterisk (original poster new member #86331) posted at 1:54 AM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

Post D-day I was forced to process and manage the meanings of certain words that I thought I already understood only to discover that perhaps I was just giving lip service to some untested beliefs. Powerful terms that I thought I confidently knew just how I would employ them if called upon. I honestly believed that when there was a need to live up to these texts in which I gave so much credence I would not find myself internally renegotiating their validity.

For example, "Forgiveness" is one of those words. I can grasp the many facets of pros and cons to granting or not granting absolution to someone who, through infidelity, has carelessly shattered their spouses trust. To me, whether to forgive (or not) is too personal and situational to have an absolute position that applies to everyone and to all circumstances.

The word "Empathy" has been more difficult than forgiveness to process and apply. Empathy for the secretive guilt my wife was struggling with, that finally pushed her to disclose. Empathy for the self-induced pain she, to this day, still deals with. Empathy for the difficult work she must, if she wants ongoing reconciliation, voluntarily put herself through.

I’m not talking about empathy for what she consciously chose to do. For there are no excuses. However, shouldn’t I be willing to find empathy for her life experiences that gave her permission to cheat or led her to conclude she had no better options?

In the creases of my mind, I’m asking: Is there a compelling argument for the importance of validating and comforting her grief? Is there value in digging beyond my pain and nurturing compassion for the weight of shame that her actions have heaped upon herself? Isn’t it important for me to remind myself that I have not hesitated to stress the importance of her understanding my loss but have failed to investigate her losses?

It is said that forgiveness is not only for the wayward but for the forgiver as well. Is it a stretch to say that the same is true for empathy?

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2025   ·   location: AZ
id 8873143
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 4:16 AM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

Some wayward spouses are simply shitty people. There are assholes in the world. That's life.

Some, however, are generally good people who simply broke.

We all have our breaking points.

That's where it all starts, in the tiny (or huge) cracks in our... personalities, characters, hearts, souls, whatever. Life gets too stressful so they blow it all up.

Makes sense, doesn't it? Perfectly logical insanity.

At some point, maybe in year three, I did have empathy for my now ex-wife. I was curious to understand. Owning and fixing one's shit is frickin hard. Facing what one's done to their own live if frickin hard. The guilt, the shame...

Yeah, I have empathy for wayward spouses who are generally good, but slightly broken, people. In fact, there are several fWS here for whom I have tremendous respect.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6779   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8873150
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Trumansworld ( member #84431) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

My H falls under the "good person but broken.

Aren't we all broken in one way or another?

I too will never excuse his choice to cheat on me. He will own that until the day he dies. I have forgiven him for the A. It's his years of feeling shame and self-hatred that I have empathy for. He fk'd up and he will be the first to say it, but it's how he's handled himself since his confession that allows me to give him grace. We've been together for 50 yrs. Lots of history to look back at and measure the sincerity of his heart. He's humbled himself and really put in the hard work to be a better man.

I have messed up myself (not an A) and felt ashamed of my actions. I sought forgiveness and received it. I changed my behavior and strove to be better.

That's the key. Without genuine remorse and solid positive action from him, empathy would not have been possible from me.

Empathy helps me to be kind. We are working hard to make our last years the best.

BW 63WH 65DD 12/01/2023M 43Together 48

posts: 88   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2024   ·   location: Washington
id 8873189
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 6:58 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

What unhinged and Truman’s world said resonates with me. My husband was a good person who broke. He was experiencing a lot of grief and stress when he had the affair, and he has experienced a lot of trauma and shame and difficult consequences in terms of how his infidelity impacted and changed our relationship, which on the whole had been very happy and satisfying for the 20+ years we were together prior to him cheating. I had flashes of empathy for him even at the height of my emotional upheaval after DDay, but it’s taken longer to develop true empathy for what he’s experienced. At first I was too terrified and traumatized and heartbroken to be empathetic, and once things calmed down a bit it was still hard to be empathetic, because I kept thinking about how I have experienced a lot of stress and difficulty and trauma, but never once even thought about straying from our marriage.

Now, five years out, I feel genuine empathy, and we’re at a place where cultivating that is healthy and strengthens our relationship.

But I definitely don’t think empathy (or forgiveness, for that matter) I should be anywhere near the top of the list of psychological things a BS is focusing on after DDay. The biggest things are keeping yourself afloat and figuring out whether 1) you want to reconcile, and 2) whether the person who betrayed you is a good candidate for that. I think empathy and forgiveness can actually muddy the waters if you’re still figuring that out.

I also suspect empathy and forgiveness develop differently based on whether you reconcile or split up. I place a high value on those traits, and I would try to cultivate them in either situation, but there’s a difference in how they play out when you’re exercising them toward someone with whom you no longer have a relationship vs. working them out as part of a larger puzzle of reconciliation. I don’t think one situation is necessarily easier or harder or better or worse when it comes to finding forgiveness and empathy, just different.

[This message edited by Grieving at 7:02 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8873194
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

However, shouldn’t I be willing to find empathy for her life experiences that gave her permission to cheat or led her to conclude she had no better options?

People often, nay, more often than not, choose knowingly suboptimal paths.

No way she thought cheating was the best option. It was the one that felt the most good in the moment.

It's ok to understand that the pull of the affair is strong and that illicit attention feels good.

As you said, it doesn't excuse her choices.

As for empathizing with her now having to deal with the consequences of her actions... Sure I guess. You can empathize with a death row inmate that his life is pretty shitty, but we all know why it's shitty.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:00 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2966   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8873217
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 11:32 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2025

I have a lot of empathy for my fWS.

He's a good person who was maladapted and caused a great deal of pain. I have a lot of empathy now for the deep regret he has to live with.

BW - DDay Nov 20, LTA during LDR.

Very difficult R but finally got there. Happily reconciled.

posts: 201   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8873223
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:02 AM on Thursday, July 24th, 2025

What do you mean by 'empathy'? Do you mean sympathy? From the Merriam-Webster website,

Sympathy and empathy both involve feelings of concern for someone, but empathy goes beyond a feeling of concern to include an active sharing in the suffering person’s emotional experience.

Is empathy possible when one wants to be empathic with regard to something one has never come close to experiencing?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31166   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8873233
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