SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a year and a half post D-day and still struggling so much some days. My husband has completely changed and become so much better which has helped so much, but I still can’t get over the betrayal. I know I will never "get over" it but I find myself spiraling a lot still. He has told me they both never wanted to leave their spouses and it was just a "fantasy." But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I wish you much peace and healing. This is very difficult and I know others will be along soon to offer their experiences and support.

Hi, many on this site claim that year 2 is worse than year 1. The shock has worn off, and the reality of the betrayal has really set in. The consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to heal, for some of us a bit longer. A nuclear bomb was dropped on your life, the fallout is long and wide.

Getting through this nightmare is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times when you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, you need more time to get off of this emotional roller coaster.

I was probably the queen of spiraling, triggers many times sent me into a rage, PTSD set in, and I couldn't really control my emotions. It took me YEARS to trust my WH again, and to be honest, there will never be that 100% trust.

Are you meeting with a good therapist to help you navigate the betrayal?

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time, but IMO what you are feeling is very normal.

But he has also told me they did say if circumstances were different what if they were together kind of things. He says it was never real for him, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I understand how you feel. it's natural to feel bad, because it sucks to feel replaced.

Is another cut inflicted with the rest that comes from the adultery.

I can offer you how that "what if" translated into reality for my woman.

She had 3 affairs, on affair 2 she was in a moment of her life where she felt she could get everything right there, right now.

So she left me for the affair partner. The better man.

I was devastated.

It lasted about 2 weeks since the moment she got what she wanted, that the spell broke.

She suddenly realizes this guy who does not even reach my neck is fat. He is kind of ugly. He is abusive and selfish. He has zero morality. He does not respect her. HE is not really that intelligent or sharp. He is not funny or charming. She really would not like her parents to know about this guy. There is no connection. He gets sex, she gets nothing (well she got SOMETHING, an STD).

She tries her best to make it work, because after all this is the love of her life right?

Couple of weeks later, she is writing back to me, telling she feels she did a horrible mistake, begging to give her another chance.

(I knew but she never admitted betrayal, we had a long distance relationship, different countries).

There you go, that is about what would have happened if your husband left you for his AP. The vast majority of times that's how it ends. Those who stay together, they end up cheating on each other. Is very rare 2 adulterers end up in a stable relationship that survives, and betrayal will be always there with them because that's how it started.

The moment the excitement for the clandestine relationship is gone, dopamine fades fast, what you are left with is a greasy, often low value person that reflects back to you how greasy, low value person you made yourself to be.

You burned your family to the ashes and sacrificed it all for this AP, and you became just like that.

And you know what?

They DESERVE to find that out.

p.S:

You feel bad because he makes you feel "less than ... OW". Well you are not. You are too much of a woman for him too, is HE who is "less than... the man who should share your bed".

Right now he is nothing, and you gave him the greatest gift a partner could ever give the other.

A second chance. That nobody deserves.

You had the balls and spirit of sacrifice to do that. That's called Love, is rare and precious.

When the best for us, the right thing to do is to keep them out of our life, hearts, even memories.

We suffer more offering this, I even got an STD from her "better man", kind like the universe telling me I fucked up in "forgiving".

You are not "less than...", not at all.

You are the prize.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:34 PM, Saturday, February 21st]

Sounds like you are doing amazingly well Chasingsunsets. I'm coming up to four years since D-day. It's a long road I'm sorry to say and has to be walked the slow way. Please don't be hard on yourself.. it's so natural to find you can't stop thinking about it. You are trying to find your footing... find what is solid and what is not. It really takes time and it's wonderful to read that your H has changed so much and that's helping. But the damage is deep and requires a lot of time and care.

I would also say I don't like the word 'just' ... 'just a fantasy'... I'm guessing the reason you are here on this forum is because it did enter reality in the form of betrayal. To read the 'just' positively I imagine it's the sort of thing a WS would say to reassure that it wasn't worse than it was. It does run the risk of minimising what has happened though.

Anyway just want to stand with you... a few years down the line from you.. and tell you that I still spiral though less often than before. Certainly at 1.5 years... it was still front and foremost in my mind a lot of the time. I'm comforted to read that the general consensus here is 2-5 years. And of course some of that will depend on how well the WS handles the reconciliation (if that's what is happening).

All the very best to you.

Thank you all. I am working with a wonderful therapist (and he is too). I sometimes feel discouraged and hard on myself for not being further along with healing by now, but I guess I need to give myself more time.

Backfromthestorm, I feel so much of this. The "woman" he cheated with is much older and not attractive so I find myself spiraling over how he could have chosen her over me. She also proved what a horrible person she is, not only because she very much knew he had a wife and children at home, but when I found out she sent me a message begging me not to tell her husband. She told me she needed her family and that I am young and beautiful and will get through it, but she would kill herself if I told her husband (I told her husband). I guess it’s true that they don’t cheat with better, they cheat with easier!

[This message edited by Chasingsunsets at 1:28 PM, Sunday, February 22nd]

You are the prize.

This ^^^^^

I will share this from my experience (of course take what you can use/want from any advice or experience shared)

I deeply regret the time and energy the infidelity stole from my life. If I had it to do all over again I would have not given "a rat’s left hind toenail" which is a regional saying that means I would not have given much if any energy to exwh or his aps. I would have 💯 focused on healing myself and any DC. 💯 on what I needed and wanted to heal and thrive. There was a world full of faithful partners. Why it took me so long to see it. I was the prize. The faithful one. The one who could be trusted to build his family not destroy him. It was 💯 on him to show me why I should choose him.

Chasing,

One time, I told a woman I loved her.

What did it mean?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It was just what I understood I had to do to get her to put out. (Didn’t work) (Not proud of this, btw. Young and stupid)

Don’t forget the old saw: Men will offer a relationship to get sex.

Don’t dwell on what he may have said.

Probably just trying to maintain access.

Best wishes.

I completely agree and this whole situation has made me (and him) realize my worth. I used to put up with a lot of poor treatment, but since the moment I found out we both knew I would never tolerate it again. He realized how close he came to losing everything that really mattered and knew I had (and still have) every reason to walk away. He has been willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage and truly treats me better than ever now.
He has told me everything they said meant nothing, he was chasing validation not love. I want to believe that, it’s just still so hard to understand.

I am hoping this will help you.

"Chasing the affair" (to me) is acknowledging it was an addiction. Often the cheaters don’t love the OW-they LOVE 💕 how the OW makes them feel.

Because the affair is a fantasy. It’s not based on real life. The cheaters aren’t living together and dealing with bills and sick or aging parents or kids with crazy spirts schedules and jobs etc.

Nooo……they are getting a few stolen moments of escapism - pretending to be something they are not to the OW who is also pretending to be something she is not.

None of it is real. It’s not true love - though the cheaters think it is. It’s not a relationship either — but the cheaters think it is. It’s not sustainable either — but the cheaters swear it is too.

IMO many many affairs occur because of the satisfaction that cheaters get from "getting away with something". It’s the adrenaline rush they crave — not the Affair Partner.

I hope this helps you.

While the affair may not be "real" in the sense of genuine love or affection, it IS real in that expressed what the unfaithful spouse is REALLY like and what they are willing to do to their spouse or loved ones to achieve this fantasy. And that is often pretty effing horrible. So I don't personally care if what they're after is "real or genuine or well thought out or imaginary" or whatever because it's horribly real for the spouse and family that experience this. And to me, that's the most important thing - not the cheater's mindset, but what they are willing to do to achieve this and the wreckage they leave around them.
I would rather condemn than either understand or sympathize because those things don't really change anything. Understanding doesn't feed the bulldog.

Chasing,

You can’t understand it.

Period. You can’t.

You don’t have the same void he was trying to fill. You don’t have the same character weakness he has. You don’t have the same brain chemistry.

You can’t understand it. Stop trying. You might as well try to understand why a dog is barking.

Focus on what he’s doing to fix himself, so you don’t spend the rest of your life wondering if he loves you; if he’ll do it again.

Best wishes.

The next time you are with a group of friends ask them if they remember being insulted, hurt or angered and how long ago it was. You will find people can remember 30 years ago so why do you think you should be over the worst thing anyone has ever done to you? Although my h cheated it was while traveling. I was told, never confronted until yrs later. He admitted and we went on. There was no affair that I know of. Even so, I now know my husband can be one person at home and another away from home. I love him. We have a solid marriage but the memory is still here. So give yourself a break. You will heal in your own time.

I had to consciously remind myself not to live in the past. First the first 3 years of Reconciliation.

The1stWife wrote:

I had to consciously remind myself not to live in the past. First the first 3 years of Reconciliation.

The responses in this thread are helpful for me, too. We're coming up on our 1 year antiversary and this moment, right now, is when the first forays into secretiveness and deception started between my wife and her AP. This is when the flirting and auto deleting messaging started between them on fb chat, and it's really been eating at me. I keep thinking to myself, "this time last year, right now, is when it all started," and I start spiraling a little bit. I've been having some intense discussions with her the last couple of days. Mostly centered around "why," and "why didn't you do x instead? What were you thinking?"

It's been hitting me harder than I expected because things had really calmed down.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:41 PM, Monday, February 23rd]

It's been almost two years for me and it still feels like yesterday. I found out about his cheating close to my due date.We had another baby soon after, kinda a surprise, so it hasn't been the focus until now. It just feel like im angry at him for little things every day. I don't like how its been changing how I handle stress and the way I parent my kids. I try to see that he is sorry and he does know I wont be staying if it happens again. Im trying to see all the good he does but every annoying thing just takes me back

ChasingSunsets - you have to give yourself an enormous mulligan and keep giving yourself mulligans. Don't expect anything from yourself at this point. You didn't break it, it's not your responsibility, it's amazing that you're even giving him another chance. I assume you're doing most of this for the kids, which I understand. But one of the things that we all have to deal with in cheating is....you've discovered a whole side of your spouse that you had NO IDEA existed or even could existed. It's like finding out your spouse is Bernie Madoff or the Unibomber - well, maybe not that dramatic...but somebody DID find out her spouse was Bernie Madoff! How do you learn to live with that? Your spouse did something you could not have done and you could not have imagined him doing ever. And he was really into it, it was not a ONS as bad as that is. You now know the ability to cheat and deceive you IS part of his personality and you don't know what will make it emerge again, if it does. So how can you build trust? I don't have an answer for that. I never imagined my husband would cheat, never in a million years, and yet he did. And then I eventually stopped being the marriage police, probably because I really didn't care that much anymore, my feeling about him changed......and I found out recently 10 years later, that he never stopped doing what he was doing. It's an EA, LDR, with an old girlfriend, and he never stopped. I looked for evidence, and found it, and then I caught him in a big ole lie about gifts. I didn't even let him know I know because....what's the point. This IS who he is. It's a part of who he really is. So....what to do. I can't just leave, I have serious health issues and financially I can't live on my own. We get along pretty well, and in general I don't hesitate to assert myself. This is probably the best living situation I can arrange at this point. If I could find a better one, I would.

Sometimes we do have to be practical. You have kids and that must be the main focus on your life. Recognize that you live with someone who is very flawed and whom you will probably never fully trust again because that's an unrealistic expectation. You now KNOW what he is capable of and how well he can hide it for at least a period of time. This knowledge doesn't go away. You have to do what is best for you and your kids based on the full knowledge you now have. You're always gonna be aware in the back of your mind that your husband IS capable of this and I don't think that goes away. Not fully. We fool ourselves into thinking he's changed until we find the receipt or the text message or overheard a phone call or whatever it is.

My advice is to prepare yourself for the future so you are not so vulnerable. Your first obligation is to take care of your kids, so provide the best life and opportunities you can for them. Secondly, be sure you understand fully what divorce law is like in your area and what your rights are. Be sure you know all the family finances. If and when you can work, with the kids, do so. This is WHY women have to work, not just for personal satisfaction and achievement, but for self protection. Put money away in your own account. Improve your own education if you can. Do NOT rely on this man too much. I don't necessarily advocate being the marriage police because it's very tiring but pay attention to red flags in the future and tackle them right away. I say your best position right now is to stop worrying about him, he is what he is, and he needs to figure himself out why he would do such an awful thing and try to make himself safe from doing it again, but you can't control that. What you can control is to try to put yourself and your kids in the best position possible so you can weather future storms. Even if he just passed away, you'd be in a better, stronger position.

So, my advice is not how to recover love or romance or bullshit like that because I don't know how people do that once they've seen the full package. You could try focusing on his good qualities but you can't stop being aware that....HE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. And don't blame yourself for your own feelings. This is HIS fault. He has to show you and prove to you, over time, that he has changed. If you really come to believe that, that's fine. I personally believe people can change, but rarely do. So, my advice is to put yourself in the strongest position you can over time so you don't have to care so much or be so vulnerable, at least on a practical level. Yes, it's incredibly hurtful to find out that people we love can do rotten things but it is what it is. Maybe you can regain the kind of positive feelings or image you had of him originally but I think for most people, this is a reminder of what can be. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS - this will make you feel stronger. The stronger you are, the more you can deal with, the more you can handle weakness in others. It's not as threatening.

Also, one more note: don't mourn over the past. They call it the past because it's passed. What you knew or thought then, is back then. Now you know more and you have to adjust your thinking and expectations based on what reality is now. I have had many negative experiences in life starting with birth....if I focused on them, I'd probably go crazy, or be in jail, or certainly I'd never enjoy life. Recognize that bad things happen, people do bad things, they are weak and selfish, but focus on what is good now, what you want to be good in the future, and how you want to be yourself and what you want for your kids. Stop focusing on him, you can't control, you can't change him, he is what he is or what he will be. Only he can decide that. Focus on yourself, your kids, making your life in the present as good as it can be, minimize his impact on you, and try to leave the past behind - while being aware of what he might again do some day. That's something that has to go on the back burner. Fortunately for me, I'm not a romantic type, but if you are...well....I'd try to look at life in as practical a way as possible. I try to emphasize practical achievements rather than feelings because if you fill up your one hand with achievement and the other with feelings....well, you know which one is gonna stay full and be usable.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 6:58 PM, Monday, February 23rd]

One thing I have never done is ask for details. I do not know if it was a "girl in every port" life he was living or one or two favorites or if it was once. I can only go by the fact that he never disappeared on the weekends. Sometimes his job kept him at home and I always knew where he was. That means very little emotion went into whatever he was doing. In fact it was so normal I would never have known if I had not been told.
Most bs on here deal with physical and emotional affairs or sex addicts or chronic cheaters. Marriage to someone like any of these must be so painful to live with.
If I have any suggestion that might help try not to get every little detail because all of that stays with you and makes it so much harder to heal from…I do think serial cheaters need to tell all so the bs can make an informed decision. Or if family money is spent etc. Some things are not forgivable.
And lastly…please accept that your ws cheated because he wanted to. It helped me look at my h realistically. I had to recalibrate my idea of who he was then. He is no longer that person because he finally grew up.