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Second the VAR. If it’s too expensive to communicate solely through lawyers do so only through email or text. Reread and edit everything as if it will be read by a judge before you hit send.

Has your lawyer advised anything helpful?

Bump by request of OP

Saturnpatrick, any update since May? You received lots of great advice at the time, so hopefully that's been helpful in moving forward and protecting yourself.

My story is a bit like yours. My WH's A 12 years ago, followed by what I now realize was false R. Second D-Day in December, and I filed for D. My divorce didn't include assault accusations, but WXH asked for $210k per year in spousal support for 10 years (!!!) even though similar to your WW, he has a graduate degree from a top school and more than ample ability to support himself. His narcissist tendencies, however, cause him to believe that the rules of life don't apply to him and that he's above having a job.

The divorce process included lots of claims on his part, including his "not feeling safe" around me. And rewriting of history, including things that never happened. Plus numerous angry outbursts that even our mediator said were some of the more extreme he's seen in his career. I have to imagine that after thinking for so many years that XWH could manipulate me, play me, and control me, his angry outbursts came from realizing that none of his old tactics were still working.

My solution was to concede more than I could have in the divorce, in order to get it done fast. Some of the points mattered but ultimately weren't worth arguing over, so I decided my mental health and recovery was more important than winning every last battle. Of course, every situation is different, and there are plenty of smart reasons for a BS to fight hard in a D. So not sharing my experience as the solution that everyone should use - just offering one experience.

Hopefully your D is moving forward (or even has wrapped up) without more drama. Wishing you a great outcome.

She is using the alleged assault as ammunition to force you to give her what she wants. Don't fall for it

It's been a while: here are a few quick updates.

She and her lawyer both skipped the first court meeting.

Mediation is coming up soon. My lawyer does not expect them to make reasonable requests in mediation. I'm wishful but the realist in me is doubtful. We'll see.

Still living with some generous friends. I'm fortunate in this aspect of my support system.

Wish me luck.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 3:59 AM, Tuesday, July 22nd]

Good luck, SaturnPatrick. We'll be interested in any updates. Don't forget that there's a Stay No Contact Post It Here where you can post what you'd like to say to her but remain no contact.

I'm sure that you're right and she'll start off with unreasonable requests.

I'm glad you have great friends.

We read a lot about cheaters not being bad people... then you see how they seem to act in divorce.

I hope your lawyer gets you off with little to no alimony. No kids is a giant blessing. Good luck to you.

"The divorce process included lots of claims on his part, including his "not feeling safe" around me. And rewriting of history"

I am truly sorry that many of us have gone through similar experiences. I wish much success fighting these sort of accusations.

If there was any silver lining to the divorce with exwh it was that there is no doubt in my mind who he really is or what he is capable of.

Unfortunately, yours sounds like your divorce is headed towards being one of the more expensive ones. Keep in mind that it will still be worth it to free yourself from her. Follow your lawyer's advice and pray for a just judge.