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Bigger thank you for everything I have been taking my time. It has given me clarity and she has been much more open I have moved past it and I’d say we are in a good place I am not questioning it anymore she has been much more open and she is present again. Maybe im making a mistake maybe not I love her and I realize I had my faults as well and owned it. I want to keep my family together as does she so I will keep moving forward with our reconciliation and trying to be more present myself.

she has been much more open I have moved past it and I’d say we are in a good place I am not questioning it anymore she has been much more open and she is present again

Rugsweeping may seem deliciously comforting in this moment but, as Bigger said, there will come a time of reckoning. It’s your life, and you’re absolutely entitled to learn the hard way.

I allowed my H’s first affair to be swept under the rug. Never mentioned again. It was over and I was moving forward.

Biggest regret I have had.

It just made it easier to cheat the next time. He learned nothing. He did nothing to assure me he understood the pain he caused.

Second affair - hard 180, kicked him to the curb and I MADE SOME HARD CHOICES. Starting with I stopped being a doormat.

Don’t be me. Don’t make my mistakes too.

I would not say I’m sweeping it under the rug. We talk now and have moved past it. While I do appreciate everything I can’t keep being told I’m still wrong no matter what I do. We both want to make this work and to constantly be told I’m doing the wrong things makes me stay angry about it when I’m not I moved past it. I understand I will never forget it but dwelling on it only makes things worse. Since letting it go our communication is much better we are happy and my children are happy that’s what we need. Secrets are no more we are back to loving each other like we used to, but in a better way. I know what happened was her doing but at the same time it was mine. I wasn’t there emotionally for her and really the drinking was an excuse I wasn’t listening when she talked and I am now the conversations are deeper than ever before when before I didn’t listen to her emotions when she talked I let it trigger me and made things worse by saying the wrong things not acknowledging her feelings but only seeing how they came across to me thinking only of myself. Maybe I am wrong and if so I’ll come back so you can say I told you so, but for now I’m at peace and want to keep it that way. We are both working through our shit and trying to move forward.

I’m not going to give you a 2x4 or criticize you. It’s your life and you have to choose your own path and your own priorities. Just know that your WW’s reaching out to a coworker, texting and sending photos, and possibly more, had nothing to do with your drinking or the state of your M. She did it because she wanted to do it. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to reach out to her coworker. I hope you continue your sobriety if that is what you want. Good luck.

... dwelling on it only makes things worse.

Does that mean 'dwelling on it brings up horrible feelings'?

If so, 'dwelling on it' is actually your path to truly moving on. Being betrayed brings with it feelings of anger, grief, fear, shame, etc., and healing requires processing those feelings out of your body. If you don't do that, you'll stuff the feelings someplace in your body, and the feelings will fester, and eventually you'll feel even worse.

If I've misinterpreted 'I understand I will never forget it but dwelling on it only makes things worse,' what DO you mean?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:43 PM, Monday, February 23rd]

By dwelling on it means constantly bringing it up talking about it over and over. I am not angry or consumed by it anymore her and I have talked about it and I’m satisfied I have moved past it.

Are you comfortable that the reasons this happened have been resolved and that she won't do this again?

The beauty of human behavior is how few absolutes there are.
For most of us reading (no... let’s be honest: for ALL of us reading) your posts we aren’t optimistic about your future if you go the path you seem to be headed. But there are no absolutes, and you might be the exception that proves the rule.
I have a friend who work(ed) in admissions in a prestigious university. His role was to number-crunch and evaluate statistical data about applicants. He once shared with me that they could predict the performance of students with remarkable accuracy – down to individual courses – simply based on collective data. They used this info to select applicants and allocate scholarships. He said that at the start of school they could already predict with accuracy who would drop out in the first months, and who would struggle. They used this info also to offer assistance beforehand, thereby beating their own predictions and lowering the predicted drop-out/failure rate.
He also told me that there were always exceptions... that student who barely made entrance but outshined all others.
Like he said – and I’m repeating – There are few absolutes in human behavior.

This is why I worry for you. You are expecting a positive result without adhering to the collective experience. You are hoping you are the below-average applicant that barely makes entry, yet graduate as valedictorian.

It can happen...

But I want you to keep the following in mind:

In my last post I emphazised:

At some point you need to feel safe and comfortable about that you know the truth OR that you know the truth to a level you are OK with OR that you will never know the truth.

Are you comfortable?

I hope you are, and I can’t refute that MAYBE what you have is enough for you.

I am such a strong believer of marriage. I think it’s the MOST IMPORTANT union we willingly enter and stay in. Some argue that being a parent is more important, and yes – I guess I would save my kids before my wife from a burning building. But parenthood roles change over time, whereas the intimacy and dependency of marriage increases. If all things work out then either one of you will be holding the hands of the other at that final moment, assuring them they have lived a good life, are loved, will be missed, but can allow themselves to drift off.
At that time – be it having my hand held or me holding her hand – I don’t want to leave with any unanswered questions.

What concerns me about your story and last posts are these issues:

Self-blame. Your actions being a logical reason for her to have decided she should seek some form of solace with another man.
This is like you explaining to us how her putting a bullet in your head was a reasonable reaction to your bad breath. After all – you snacked daily on raw fish and onions. Definite cause for her do talk about things, demand change and all that. But never reason enough to head for the gun-safe...
It’s OK to discuss how your actions caused breaches in the marriage, but at the same time it’s important to lay ground-rules on how to deal with that.
What might happen a couple of years down the road when you forget to put your used coffee-mug in the sink for the fifth day in a row? Would that justify her snuggling the delivery-guy?

Lack of trust... This is big IMHO. Trust is the first thing out the window on d-day. Takes a lot of time to rebuild a realistic form of trust. The blind-trust of yore should be gone forever. It’s a trust-but-verify process, that once been verified enough turns into a verifiable trust.
While your wife is hiding something that happened during her affair... she isn’t trusting you.

I find her reaction at the poly extremely suspect. I think something happened with OM that she isn’t sharing. It might be as "innocent" as making out, a peck on the cheek, inuendo... or it could have been a planned date never carried through... or it could be a secret afternoon going at it like apes in heat. We don’t know. You don’t know.
What happened is not the key-issue. What is the key-issue is that you don’t know if you have the truth or not.

This brings me back to my key-question:

At some point you need to feel safe and comfortable about that you know the truth OR that you know the truth to a level you are OK with OR that you will never know the truth.

Are you comfortable?

Don’t have to answer us, but I do think you deserve it to yourself to answer YOU.

I know what happened was her doing but at the same time it was mine.

You are not to blame for your WW's decisions to have an affair. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference. Her affair is 100% on her and her alone.

Don't blame yourself.

I am comfortable and I don’t agree it wasn’t that I was not to blame I wasn’t there for her emotionally, that’s the thing what she chose to do was 100% her fault. She should have talked to me but didn’t she confided in someone else, but that’s because I didn’t make her feel safe. I understand now and we have talked and I am comfortable with what I have been told we are in a good place. We communicate we are transparent with each other and she is definitely remorseful.

We communicate we are transparent with each other and she is definitely remorseful

Curious: what’s your definition of remorseful?

WH, I’m glad you feel good about your life. I defer to your judgment. I don’t know your wife and won’t presume to tell you that you are misjudging her, or yourself. I appreciate that the commenters who have reservations are experienced and knowledgeable but you have to march to your own drummer. If you later need support, this site will be there for you.

Best wishes
NSGE

Being there for her emotionally and making her feel safe are things any man could do to improve a relationship. True enough. However, that's completely irrelevant when it comes to a person choosing to head down Infidelity Lane. Your WW had other options to deal with her own issues. Communicating with you, counseling or even separation or divorce. She choose to seek relief from her issues by betraying herself and you.

Infidelity is self-destructive. We, the betrayed, are collateral damage. Unless she is willing and able to own and fix her shit, history will repeat. She may not cheat again, but those self-destructive tendencies will remain.

I haven't read this entire thread, just your first few and last few posts. Maybe you are that rare breed who can quickly recover and move on. Given what I've read, I believe you're fooling yourself. I could be wrong, of course, but years of being a member here has lead me to understand that often enough people think they know just enough about a subject to think they're right, but not enough to know they're wrong. You dismiss decades of collective wisdom here and I believe this will be to your own detriment.