SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

former bs here

There is a long list of things I regret in my marriage and divorce. I will share a couple in case they are of benefit.

#1 was underestimating what an unrepentant wayward spouse is capable of. I now view waywardness as a failure of integrity, the absence of which was very damaging

As examples

-exwh was coached to get me to be intimate with him to legally negate the impact of his repeated infidelity on the divorce

-exwh was assisted in hiding and lying about substantial assets and income

-exwh told serious and horrifically impactful lies to law enforcement, the court, and anyone who would listen to him (he purposefully went after my professional and my future ability to get a security clearance among other despicable things)

-exwh had the element of surprise—he was planning what he did to me long before he did it and I was reeling from being blindsided by an emotional 2x4

-exwh used marital counseling to shift the narrative from cheating being bad for the marriage and needing to end and the cheater work on what was wrong with them that made them cheat to actually confusing the marital counselor into questioning whose version of reality was accurate (when I had pictures of the cheating)—yes "Joe" I was telling the truth and exwh was actually cheating and it was genuinely not good for the marriage

-exwh

#2 was being "nice"

I needed to put my needs and the needs of any children first. Exwh was putting himself first

#3 was thinking exwh was the prize

There are literally probably millions of potential consensual romantic partners out there that I could have been with—I needed to stop acting like exwh was the last potential sexual and romantic partner on earth

Waywards can and do change, but it’s a lot of hard work. I personally would not choose my exwh now as a sexual and romantic partner if he was the last man on earth. He did not do the work to be a safe partner. But I say this to highlight that even divorce is not a one-way street. If a wayward does the work and the betrayed does their work and both want to get back together, it can happen even after divorce. It’s not an either/or situation

#4 failure to see the story exwh was telling

Wishing you much peace and healing as you navigate this difficult stuff.

Hello all. Well I did it. I called the OBS. I found her number through the power of the internet. She thought I was joking at first. I told her and she was in shock. She said her husband told her it was just one picture of his penis a month ago. That was it.
I told her the extent that I knew from my wife's admissions and the text exchanges I read. She said this was not the first time (surprisingly). I tried to console her. I told her to reach out to her loved one's for support. Then I told her I will not contact her again. She can reach out to me if she has any issues.
I still feel bad for ruining that lady's day but I didn't start this. I have a little more self respect though. My wife doesn't know yet. Thanks for your advice and support.

My wife doesn't know yet.

Keep it that way. If your wife comes at you, demanding to know why you did this, you can conclude:

1. More proof she’s not remorseful
2. She’s still in contact with OM

Good job! Now she has the information to make informed decisions on any life choices.

Well I did it. I called the OBS.

Excellent work btw. Great job! You did the right thing morally AND it’s high time this POS gets at least a chance at a natural consequence for his choices.

Hello again. Last night was interesting to say the least. The OBS texted me that the AP was acting erraticly after she confronted him. She thought I might be in danger (although he never made any threats). I guess the guy is also a vet and has past issues with PTSD. I assured her I would be ok.
When she confirmed he was back at work, I called my wife at work to let her know that I talked to the othe OBS. My wife took a half day and came directly home. It was a pretty turbulent night. She received a few social media messages from the OBS telling her to stay away from her husband. This sent my wife into a tailspin. She was concerned with the gossip of her coworkers/friend group.
I consoled her and made an appointment with a therapist for us. My wife was mentally hanging on by a thread it seemed.
She is better this morning because we exercised together ( it helps with stress.) I'm still stuck on what I want to do. Well atleast the OBS is notified.

Please listen to me: you can do better. As a single woman your age with lots of friends who are single, there's little doubt in my mind that if you got serious about divorcing her, you'd be happily remarried to a much better person in a few years.

It's too many years of betrayal. She's made so many bad choices for so long. This is who she is. Would you have married her knowing this is the woman she is? She's 50 and still trying to look cute for her crush so she can give him a handjob! That's teenager behavior, not a woman.

She's been obsessed with a man who becomes mentally unhinged when his secrets are revealed. She's put you and your child at risk by picking a a man that unstable. I mean, he's so mad that his betrayed wife and the husband of the woman he's been banging have been talking? That's nutso. But she thinks he's great. That shows a serious lack of judgement.

You deserve better. You deserve peace. You deserve to be able to trust the person you choose as your partner. You deserve a mature person who has her priorities set. You deserve a good mother figure for your child, so he can grow up seeing what a healthy, safe relationship looks like. It would take sooo much work to maybe even have a chance at all that with your wife. It would be so much more likely if you started over picking the right type this time around.

I'm guessing you're not there yet as far as thinking about future options, but please keep it in the back of your mind that it doesn't have to be this hard.

I feel like the responses to your updates are cooling down a little. I think that might be because we (at least I) don’t really see you following or even countering the advice offered. Frankly – we see an oncoming train crash ahead.

Look – there is no one single solution that we know will work. But there is extensive experience that shows what is not likely to work.
It’s highly unlikely that a long-term affair just ends. By exposing you have made that more likely – but while they work in close proximity...
What are her future plans? Does she plan on remaining at that place of work?
I am willing to place a huge bet on that her workplace is aware of the affair, and have been for some time. It’s near-unavoidable that someone picked up on their initial phases, that someone noticed the looks, the coincidence of them leaving at the same time, seeing her car in the parking-lot and not his, that they both took an hours lunch and not at the canteen... There is no new gossip going on, but rather the ongoing gossip about the two of them.
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Why are you seeking therapy for the both of you? Did your action make her have to have an affair?
What initiative other than promising not to have sex with OM has she shown?
Why isn’t she seeking therapy?

What about the public gossip is she afraid of? Keep in mind that maybe the ONLY way you could accept her remaining in that job (other than you decide to divorce) is if it’s common knowledge. That at least makes it hard for then to start again.

Hunter - I don't know if congratulations is quite the right word, but...I'll use kudos. Kudos on telling the OBS. It's a really hard thing to do and it takes courage and sensitivity, and it was the right thing to do. You really moved forward in the right direction on that. It's real progress.

You've got a lot of great advice on this thread, you might go back and reread it a few times, maybe take off for a couple of days and meditate on this. You don't have to stick around and "protect" your wife from the consequences of her actions (unless AP seems to be getting violent - you might want to have some minimal contact with OBS just to be somewhat informed - you could also get a protective order if you feel you or your family might be in danger). I really think some time away might benefit you. You really have to start putting yourself first here - you're the one who has been most grievously injured. Your wife brought this all on you both through her selfish and uncaring actions. Even now I get the impression she is most concerned about herself, and how if affects her with other people - NOT YOU. She doesn't want other people talking about her or thinking badly about her - that's image management. She should not have behaved in a way where she has to keep the most important thing she's doing...a secret.

I would listen to Graziella's advice here. Every comment she made is absolutely right on the money and very direct and honest and true and relevant. I think she's summed up your current situation very nicely. I know you probably have the masculine, husbandly urge to protect your wife at this point, but.....who protects you? You've got to put limits on how much she can affect you and what you want going forward in life and how much sympathy and kindness you want to give to someone who, frankly doesn't deserve it, and has created this ugly situation. And whom I believe will create other ugly situations, perhaps of different types, going forward. This is not a safe partner for you, this is a selfish, uncaring person who does indeed have terrible judgment that could be endangering. I'm not telling you to rush out today and file for a divorce (although I think divorce would be the best outcome for you) but to quell your impulses to protect her and console her. You're the one who needs that! I think IC would be a good thing for you in general to help sort out your feelings and help design an action plan. I do think planning some time by yourself, if you think it's safe, would be a good thing for you - it would help to get away from the intensity of her emotions and fears for herself. It's a long term process but you have to start with reclaiming your own life. She's just not a safe or acceptable partner, IMO.

Please stay with this site. There are many caring people here who are willing to both listen, give you the depth of their own experiences, and who really do care . You need to check in with people who care about YOU.