SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there,

I'm at an ultimate loss on what to do. My partner started an affair with a work colleague mid February, when our LO was just 4 weeks old. End of January we took my dad into A&E as he was very confused, and we suspected an infection. He came out of there with a diagnosis of Grade 4 terminal cancer, with weeks to live. I was also suffering with awful PND, so needed my partner the most. He was going out with her and leaving me with our baby who had bad colic so was screaming constantly whilst I was trying to keep my head above water.

My dad died mid March, 6 weeks after his diagnosis. I came back at 8am in the morning after sorting the undertakers out to come and collect him from my mom's after we all watched him die. My partner was due to go on a night out, which considering what had happened I thought he'd cancel. But no, he left at 2pm of the afternoon and then did not return until 3pm the following afternoon. I was in pieces, so drove to Wales with my baby and son and just broke down in a hotel room. He did not text or call to see if I was ok. I later found out he stopped in a hotel room with her that night. My mom also gave him a load of my dad's designer tops, his favourite ones. He's slept with her in them. I have shoved them to the back of the drawer unable to look at them.

I found out via her Facebook that the affair was happening beginning of April, 2 days before my dad's funeral. He looked me dead in the eyes when I found out and told me he loved her, and didn't want to be with me anymore. I haven't been the same since. I messaged her and we shared evidence with each other. She's left him, and he's eventually come crawling back to me. I've had him back as at the time he was saying he wanted 50/50 custody of our 2 month old which was destroying me. He kept saying she wasn't a mistake at the beginning which rubbed salt in the wound, however he's now admitted she was.

It's now been 5 weeks since I found out. I'm having nightmares about it every night and I can't think about my poor dad as the affair comes into my head every time. He has shown next to no remorse, I've literally only had "sorry" which I've had to beg for. She got a massive paragraph begging for a second chance, heavily apologising saying he wanted to marry her and have kids. I'm an anxious wreck all of the time, and cry constantly about what he's done. I'm scared to show any sort of emotion about it infront of him incase it scares him off. I have so many triggers that set me off, it's impossible to avoid.

She's young, got a baby face, blonde, skinny, got no children. I've had 4 children, I've lost a lot of weight but my body is as saggy as anything. I was in remission for uterine cancer that I had before my son, and doctors now suspect it's come back through stress. I can never compete with her and it's just getting me so down. I'm scared that this is a massive thing that he's done and there will be nothing stopping him from cheating again due to the circumstances before.

Is there a way forward with this? How do you cope with triggers? My poor dad is a big one and it's so hard :( I'm so desperate for this to work so I don't have to be away from my baby. However I'm hiding so much and it's eating me alive. Thank you for reading if you've got this far.

[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 8:30 AM, Wednesday, May 21st]

Welcome to SI and so sorry on the loss of your father. Dealing with infidelity on top of the huge loss makes this a really awful situation. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Additionally, there are some posts that aren't pinned but do have a bull's eye icon that are really good, too. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources.

The nightmares and triggers are your body's response to betrayal trauma. You may wish to do IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist. When going through infidelity, you can get PTSD or C-PTSD and this will take special treatment. You can also look up PISD, for post-infidelity stress disorder. There's no specific diagnosis code for that, as it's a relatively new definition. Feeling better is going to take time and healing.

Be sure to practice lots of self-care. If you're having trouble eating, be sure to try something like protein drinks to keep your energy up. Focus on you and your children. If you're having trouble with other things, ask your doctor. Also, you may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there.

If he's not willing to go NC (no contact), then it's difficult to say that you'll have anything to work with as you can't drag an unwilling spouse through R (reconciliation).

You may wish to read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. While not infidelity-related, it is the text book for trauma-related therapy. He indicates that certain types of exercises, such as yoga, can help you process the trauma from your body.

Sorry you're here and I'm sure others will be along to help.

He sounds so immature that his behavior is wrecking your health. Please look at reality. You need to focus on the baby and the loss of your father. You probably have a form of PTSD and need therapy.
I can’t tell you what to do but living with him sounds like it’s making things worse. If your mother’s home provides surcease, go there. Give yourself time. Your baby needs you.

Very sorry you find yourself here. I don't have a lot of advice but I want you to know you have been heard. Take care of your health and your baby. Its important for you to heal. Your WH sounds very immature and self absorbed. He is giving you nothing to work with. Limit your contact as he is only hurting you. I would advise seeing an attorney to learn your rights. He sounds very ill-equipped to care for a child. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:47 PM, Wednesday, May 21st]