SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone,

I joined several months ago, but ever since DDay in March, I have been too busy having rug pulled out from under me to post. I was also scared that somehow my kids would find this before I told them what had been going on.

I don't know if I should post here or in the "Just Found Out" board, but since I didn't just find out, I figured this was better. If I need to post in both to join officially, please let me know.

So, here is my story. I'm 55. I got married to my stbxwh in 1996. We have two girls in their twenties. The two of us have had recurring conversations about frustrations we both had in the marriage, but they've always been mild. My concerns were that he'd always wanted to try sex with someone else, and told me that he didn't believe in unconditional love. I think that caused me to have a lot of abandonment fears, but I believed until til death... so I tried to work through all of that. We'd talked about ensuring that if we ever had major issues, we'd talk to each other if the idea of "divorce" ever came up for us. We never have. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. Our daughters and their friends call us "couple goals". I thought we were happy.

Several years ago, my husband told me that he was tired of putting me and the girls first. He said he needed to put himself first. I was shocked but told him of course, do what you need to feel better. He told me he was going to start taking some lessons and join an online group for one of his pastimes. I supported him in that. I remember feeling really scared, but I was doing what he needed, right? He also told me he needed more help with home projects. I coordinated two major ones. I added "what did I do for husband today" to my gratitude journal and ensured that I showed him acts of service everyday since I know that is how he receives love. I thought I was doing everything he asked for.

I also repeatedly checked in on him. Are you ok? Are we ok? He told me over and over "I'm fine". He even occasionally got upset with me when I would ask if he was mad at me. He'd say "I'm not, but if you keep asking me if I am, that will make me mad." I trusted his word, and assumed we were good.

Fast forward to March. He told me that he'd fallen in love with someone online, and seemed to want me to bless his relationship but stay married. He'd told her that he would never leave me, but that he wanted to explore with her. She was also married and said she wouldn't leave her husband either. WH told me it was only an emotional affair.

I told him it was me or her. We decided to work on our marriage. He wrote her a no contact letter, but then sent her two notes (which he later told me about). He also told me later that it was a sexual affair online, and that he'd traveled once to see her and be with her physically. We started couple's counseling. We read parts of Not Just Friends and How to help your Partner Heal... We did not tell our kids because we were going to work it out. We both started going to IC.

During this time, he started crying every day about how lonely, neglected, and abandoned he'd felt in the past few years. I had seen him cry ONCE in the past few years before this.

In less than a month and a half, he let me know that he wanted a divorce. He's decided that I am too dependent, too controlling, and that he doesn't have his own identity outside of our marriage. He also wants to be able to fall in love with others if he finds that interesting. He's now saying he's open to exploring things with his AP, who has recently filed for divorce. So, two marriages destroyed.

In less than 3 months, I learned of his infidelity, had him lie to me repeatedly, was told we were reconciling, and then told that we weren't. Now, I'm going to have to move out, plan a divorce, get my finances separate, and give up every dream I've ever had of how the second half of my life would play out. I'm a total mess. He gets everything he wants. The house, his freedom, and his family because I promised to try to spend time with him and the girls to keep things comfortable for them. We are still in the same house but are essentially separated.

We told our daughters two days ago. We agreed not to trash talk each other, but he asked me to take a lot of responsibility for the whole "he was so lonely and neglected" thing. We did tell them about the affair, but I think that information sort of made it seem like it was a fair choice he made. Last night they came over to hang out with us and I fell completely apart.

Now I'm scared that they will think he is the stable, safe parent. Nevermind that he's had several years to work through his stuff, and I am going through a very new trauma. They both said they understood, but I'm just a mess and scared of everything right now.

I have read through a bit of the fears / realities post which is helping some.

Bad stuff: I don't know anything about divorce. Both of my parents are dead and I have no siblings or other family besides my girls.

On the good side: I have a good job, I have one lifeline friend, and many newer friends have been coming out of the woodwork to be kind to me ever since I shared with a few of them that something really hard was going on in my personal life. My daughters are essentially grown and they are both wonderful.

I've probably written too much, but I could really use some support. I'd love to connect with some folks who are further along than me who can help me know that I'll be ok, and what I need to do to get there. I'm sending healing thoughts to all who have to be on this thread.

you have not written too much. I am so sorry you had to join our club.

Your WS is 100% to blame for his cheating. If he was unhappy he could have insisted on MC, talked about it more with you, separated or divorce. Instead he CHOSE to cheat. You accommodated everything he wanted and he STILL cheated. And called you both controlling and overly dependent. Just doesn’t add up. He’s doing some serious mental gymnastics to justify his betrayal and put the blame on you.
DO NOT accept any of the blame. You can accept 50% of any overall marital issues, but cheating is NEVER the answer, solves nothing, and was 100% on him.

It will take a little time to get your feet back under you. Here’s some steps to help you get through these next months.
1) Get STD tested -full panel. You know he lies and cheats. He also said he wants to explore sex with others. Who knows what he has done. It sucks but get tested. Your doctor has seen/heard it all and will be kind. There are nasties out there and you do not want those.

2) Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol/drugs, get exercise daily, and try for a good night’s sleep. These help your body and your emotions. If you are struggling, see your doctor. Many of us ended up on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a while to get through this.

3) Keep up the IC. Dump MC - just a waste at this time.

4) See three divorce lawyers to understand your rights and options. Find the sharkiest sharks to make sure you get all that you are entitled to. Don’t tell him. Knowledge is power and will help with the fears of the unknown. Find the one you feel will fight for you.

5) Do an inventory of finances. Any money he spent on his AP were marital funds. Make sure he’s not doing any financial infidelity and know what your financial future will look like.

6) Read in the healing library and all the bullseyed posts in the Just Found Out forum. Lots of good stuff there. And keep posting.

I was 50 when my marriage ended due to infidelity. I can promise that things get SO MUCH BETTER. It takes time, but there will be brighter days ahead. Have faith that you will heal from this. And why does he get the house? Maybe he will, maybe not. But DO NOT be a doormat for him. You need to look out for YOUR future and what is best for YOU long term. Use your lawyer to help you here.

Keep posting. Weekends can be slow here, but others will be by.

Thanks so much, Bearly. I got STD tested immediately after his disclosure. I'm on psychiatric meds for the first time in my life. I haven't got the levels right yet, but got them upped yesterday so hopefully we are closer.

He gets to keep the house because the yard is huge and I can't take care of it myself. Paying for help would be extremely expensive.

I'm not drinking or doing drugs except for the prescriptions. I've never been into that and don't feel drawn to it now, so I'm lucky in that way.

Regarding the lawyer, stbxwh wanted to use a mediator to try to keep things amicable. Have you or anyone here gone that route?

I appreciate your advice so much and have taken or will take most of it. I'm sucking at the exercise part though. I've had several days where I just can't get out of bed. I know I need to do better. I'll try for a walk tomorrow.

I am grateful you took the time to read my giant post and respond. Thank you for being so kind.

You are getting your half of the equity out of the house I hope?

You need to be more honest with the girls. You need to tell them you did everything you could to try and save the marriage. I'm not talking about trash talking him, just tell them the truth.

Friend – I feel a need to warn you that my advice might sound harsh and as if I wanted this divorce to be tougher than it need be. I honestly don’t have any wish to make it so. But by its very nature divorce is a confrontation, and conflict is more-or-less unavoidable. To me the real issue is to make it about things that matter and skip the smaller issues.

I once met an old friend at a conference hotel. I was at an IT conference; he was at the bar with some colleagues on a family-law conference. Over drinks they shared that in probably 80% of instances they could quite precisely predict the final outcome of a divorce within a few hours. That too often the majority of the cost was over issues that really had little value or were not likely to change the outcome.

The biggest "mistake" people made, they said, was not to be clear on what they were entitled to, and to not ask for what they had a right to. The second biggest mistake was to ask for things they didn’t have a right to...

This coincides with an interview I saw on 60 minutes, where a veteran divorce lawyer shared how his client had him argue over who got the lawnmower for several hours, incurring legal costs multiple times the price of a new mower.

Amicable in divorce means that you both give and take. It doesn’t mean you go out for a celebratory dinner after signing, or that you become fine with visiting him on Sunday mornings for coffee, and sit chatting to his new GF who is wearing his old dressing gown that you gave him for Christmas a decade ago.

Mediation does not equate to no attorneys, or only one shared attorney. It equates to you two discussing what each get’s and agreeing to it, before presenting the final document to a judge. That judge takes the work of the mediator as valid, and signs after a very quick and preliminary read-through. A good judge might note some discrepancies, such as you signing off the house with no compensation, and confirm with you that you understand the consequences, but generally they simply sigh off from the mediator.

Do not – repeat – DO NOT do a DIY divorce. ALWAYS have a professional who knows what he’s doing. You do not want to find debt-collectors at your door 6 years from now for the shared credit-card he assumed but never got your name off.

So, my advice is this:

Treat this purely as a business transaction.

The family home might not meet your needs, but that simply means it’s valued and sold. If he wants to keep it, he has to compensate you for your half of the value.

It’s not an even, 50/50 distribution in Texas, but an "even and just" distribution. What that might mean is that if your earing power is less than his, and that gap can be linked to factors such as you taking time off to raise the kids... the division might be 55/45, or 60/40.

Its not as if you get half of each individual item. If you drive a Ford, you don’t take a chain-saw to it and you get the FO and he the RD. It’s the total value of all items, divided by half.

For example (and these are fictious numbers): the house is worth 200, his car 30, your car 40, savings in his name 30, savings in your name 10, the boat 15, the furniture 10, his pension 100, your pension 50...

You take the total: 485 / 2 = 242.5 each.

There are items that remain his or yours (student debt, personal debt, inheritance, assets pre-marriage...) but this is precisely why you want an attorney. They can list the assets and the debts and tell what is individual and what is marital.

He wants the house: He needs to find the 100 that is your share. If there is a mortgage, he needs to refinance on HIS name alone.

If he’s on the hook for spousal support, investigate a lump-sum settlement. That’s a one-off payment that means you are no longer dependent on him writing that monthly check.

Most importantly: Have legal representation and learn about the process and your rights. This can be as formal as an attorney that sits at the table during mediation, or it could be someone on the sideline that guides you through each phase and goes over whatever documents you are expected to sign.

Friend – At the end of this process it’s not as if you and your ex will be the best of friends. That doesn’t mean you need to be enemies. A good divorce is where you are content in your own life, are fine with him having a good life and can both attend your kids marriage or graduation or grandkids birthday parties without tension or conflict.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:16 PM, Sunday, June 1st]

Welcome to SI and you could have posted in JFO (Just Found Out). There are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO forum that are really good resources. The Healing Library is a treasure trove of information.

Your county probably has a family court site that will give you a rundown of the divorce process in your county. You may wish to read some of the information there. Ours has a really good FAQ section.

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and we did a lot of exercises to work through the grief and trauma. It's important to get the right fit with your IC.

You may find it helpful to do the 180 to start to emotionally detach from him. Think about what you want out of the rest of your life. You won't have to deal with XWH (wayward ex-husband), so you'll be able to do what you want when you want.

It does get better.

Nomu,

Thanks so much. Yes, if I move out, he has already said that he understands he will have to buy me out of the house. I just worry because the market is so volatile. I don't know if there is a way to get compensated after the fact if he winds up selling it for more than we estimated years after the divorce is settled.

Bigger,

I am so grateful for the information you shared. I don't at all feel like you are making it harder. I learned a lot.

I had no idea that the settlement could be other than 50/50. I did stay home with the kids for several years and it absolutely changed my earnings over time.

I also assumed that my inheritance from my dad would have to be split. It isn't huge, but getting to keep it would be a huge relief.

I will absolutely not do this DIY, but I don't think I even have the bandwidth to make any big decisions right now while I can barely get through a day without crying and I am taking psychiatric meds for the first time in my life. I don't know how long I have to find a divorce specialist and start dividing things up.

I appreciate your advice and am open to more in the future. Thanks again.

Leafields,

I didn't know that the county website was a good place to look. That is helpful to know. I am in IC. That's a recent addition but I hope this person will be helpful.

It's just all so new and I never really wanted to need to know any of this. I hope it will get better because it sure is nothing but suck right now.

Thank you for reaching out. These notes from all of you who have been through it are lifelines and make me feel less terribly alone.

Is there a way to edit a post after the fact? I realize that I left something out of one and can't find an edit option.

The edit button is on the same line where your name is listed. It's the little pencil, the third one on the line.

And you're right about the suck. The first year was so absolutely painful for me.

A lot of what you're going through is so normal. Please be sure to continue posting. We'll be able to tell you that you're not crazy. The emotional rollercoaster can pick you up at any time and fling you around. Plus, cheaters can drive you insane.

A good mediator can provide some protection against being taken advantage of, perhaps by requiring your agreement to the selling price of the house.

My reco is to remember that the drugs are almost definitely going to be temporary. Talk with your doc if you have concerns. Sometimes drugs are a great treatment.

You've been traumatized. Don't expect yourself to be able to get through this in a few weeks, with equanimity. It's normal for BSes (Betrayed Spouses) to have to deal with immense anger, grief, fear, shame, etc.

Your response to being betrayed is a normal one. You can expect to heal. You'll have to do some work on yourself, but you're already doing that.

My demand would be to sell the house at a price you can both agree on. If he is anxious to move on he might try to force you to agree to a sale that is way below what it is worth.
I am with Bigger here. Don’t quarrel over things you could easily replace at a consignment shop. Do push for things of emotional value to you. There are probably items in your house that you cherish. Push for those.
Bigger stresses this has to be looked at as a business decision. You need financial security. You need health care if in the States. Make a list. Attorney, dr for anxiety, what ever is next. Do not try to do everything. Look at what is essential and do that first. Then do the next one.
My suggestion is to stop interacting with him. You need to begin getting used to him being out of your life. It’s called the 180. It prepares you to move on.
Wish I could give you a hug.

"I don't know if there is a way to get compensated after the fact if he winds up selling it for more than we estimated years after the divorce is settled."

And if he sells it for less, will you give him money back?

You’ve got plenty to sort out. Don’t get bogged down in "what ifs."

MM: Sorry you had to look for us, but this is the place to deal with this awful stuff. Betrayal by your significant other is the worst.

What's not mentioned here in this discussion of the division of assets is cash assets. My stbx should have a well stocked bank account, but it is all gone. Which I recently learned. His cash assets are totally gone (gambling, drugs, and who knows what - he is not saying). So, he and his attorney are quite pleased to look at my accounts and push for this 50/50 dream split. What do I get from him, 50 percent of nothing? I supported him for years and paid for everything. Mediation -: what's that, another huge legal expense? Did mediation help you?

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 4:28 AM, Tuesday, June 3rd]

Leafields,

Thank you. I feel so far from normal it is good to be told I'm not an outlier.

I will keep posting.

Sissoon,

I'm committed to the meds, I just hate needing them. I feel like I should be stronger.

I am committed to doing the work. I know I have to put in effort to get to the other side.

Cooley,

This is our kids' childhood home. We'd like them to have a home base. I don't know if it will work out but that is the goal.

He seems pretty anxious to have his own life. He's being pretty selfish, but I get that he wants to make progress. I don't begrudge him that, but I also think I need to be feeling safe and not triggered and traumatized when I make major life decisions.

I appreciate the one step at a time approach, but I'm feeling pressured by stbx.

I'm trying to move on and I'm having some success, but then I'm back in terror.

I really am grateful for your insights.

Edited to add: Sorry all, I typed this while sleepy and didn't check it over. Autocorrect had a field day. I hope it is clearer now.

[This message edited by MatildaMinchin at 1:57 PM, Tuesday, June 3rd]

Former,

I trust you. That is a good thought experiment. In our town, home prices have consistently gone up each year, so I assume that is more likely. The opposite could certainly happen.

It just seems unfair to have to move out and only be able to afford a much lesser place. He gets to keep the awesome house that is paid off so his living situation is fully paid for. I get that divorce isn't fair, I am just trying to make sure I'm thinking carefully about what is to come.

I've got nothing but questions.

[This message edited by MatildaMinchin at 2:01 PM, Tuesday, June 3rd]

Cheaters seem to be fundamentally selfish. He's using putting himself first as an excuse and giving himself permission to do what he wants.

Focus on practicing self-care and taking care of yourself. Infidelity sucks. Take the time to heal and then have fun. I've had the opportunity to do so many things and meet some great people because I don't have to deal with XWH (wayward ex-husband) and his crap. I say I'm dating myself and having a great time doing it.

Take care of you and your girls. Get what you're entitled to have. Bigger is right. Treat the D as a business transaction. You're really dissolving a corporation. How much work did you put into the corporation and what is your fair share of the assets.

You can hire a good divorce attorney and let him/her take care of the division of assets.

If it gets to be "too much" to talk to the STBXH about things, you can always say "have your attorney speak to my attorney".

That shuts the conversation down immediately.