Post D-day I was forced to process and manage the meanings of certain words that I thought I already understood only to discover that perhaps I was just giving lip service to some untested beliefs. Powerful terms that I thought I confidently knew just how I would employ them if called upon. I honestly believed that when there was a need to live up to these texts in which I gave so much credence I would not find myself internally renegotiating their validity.
For example, "Forgiveness" is one of those words. I can grasp the many facets of pros and cons to granting or not granting absolution to someone who, through infidelity, has carelessly shattered their spouses trust. To me, whether to forgive (or not) is too personal and situational to have an absolute position that applies to everyone and to all circumstances.
The word "Empathy" has been more difficult than forgiveness to process and apply. Empathy for the secretive guilt my wife was struggling with, that finally pushed her to disclose. Empathy for the self-induced pain she, to this day, still deals with. Empathy for the difficult work she must, if she wants ongoing reconciliation, voluntarily put herself through.
I’m not talking about empathy for what she consciously chose to do. For there are no excuses. However, shouldn’t I be willing to find empathy for her life experiences that gave her permission to cheat or led her to conclude she had no better options?
In the creases of my mind, I’m asking: Is there a compelling argument for the importance of validating and comforting her grief? Is there value in digging beyond my pain and nurturing compassion for the weight of shame that her actions have heaped upon herself? Isn’t it important for me to remind myself that I have not hesitated to stress the importance of her understanding my loss but have failed to investigate her losses?
It is said that forgiveness is not only for the wayward but for the forgiver as well. Is it a stretch to say that the same is true for empathy?
