SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have struggled with photos and I still do.

Today my phone suggested photos from various years of one of my children. I watched it.

Although it hurt, and there’s a picture of my child the day they saw me find the messages. They were next to me at the time and saw me fall apart over the next two years. So although it hurt I liked seeing the children.

I saw the pictures and thought I’m so lucky to have my children. I can see the things I have done with them. I feel so happy to see the pictures. I think my husband is a loser not to appreciate what he had. And he actually turns my stomach in some of the photos.

A very loving family. Children who are healthy, caring, conscientious and fun. A wife who really adored him. If we were out with friends or he walked across the room I’d be proud of the man I saw. I was glad to be his wife. I am not the best wife or parent but I worked full time, earnt well, supported our family, paid the bills, saved for old age. Was ready to try anything. From camping to climbing to gigs to 5 star hotels. I’d do it and make the most of it.

I look at myself and like who I see in the pictures. I’m proud of that lady. She’s smart and honest and a good person. She was fooled by a fool. That says everything about him and little about me.

Any suggestions on loving my photos greatly appreciated

Photos hold precious memories of your safe world before learning the ugly truth. Upon discovery your world blew up, crashed and burned! Absolutely nothing made sense and slowly you became whole!
You are a strong woman and have the love of your children while your cheating spouse is exposed as an utter failure as a husband, father and man!

Yes I feel sorry for him in many ways. But sorrier for me and my children.

I am lucky that I recognised early on that I am not the issue. I have helped betrayed people since (in life and online) and I always speak about how it’s never them.

He acted strange for a few months. Gaslighted and blamed me for his change towards me. When I found the messages it all made sense. Within 2 hours I’d realised this has nothing to do with me, who I am, what I am like. I have barely waivered on that. In fact it made me proud that I was faithful.

I truly believe it’s a choice to be faithful. Cheating so very easy. He was sniffing around online hoping to cheat I got offers in real life and reject them. Its not exactly hard to cheat with so many available on line.

I can’t imagine being a grub that sniffs round strangers for attention and ego strokes. While lying to their loved ones.

The very loved ones who will visit you when sick, hold your hand when sad, tend your grave or scatter your ashes. Hold you when you grieve or fail. Celebrate your success. Pick you up when you are low. Those people should be your number ones in life. They are who matters. And the child who was with me when I fell apart is a perceptive soul and it changed their view of their father.

I do think people pleasing and the inability to validate oneself has a lot to answer for. As does malice in the case of my husband. Awful way to live your life.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 2:34 PM, Wednesday, August 20th]

"I can’t imagine being a grub that sniffs round strangers for attention and ego strokes. While lying to their loved ones"

The attention of a 40 y/o (my wife was closing in on 50) good looking guy with a nice smile, gun, badge was enough to make my wife gamble a 27 year relationship. His attention gave her the validation that she "needed" that she was still attractive. She was able to look past the fact that she was married as was he.

"It's just "harmless" flirtation, I didn't cross any lines, nothing physical would have happened." The next day when she arrived home from work and I said there's a suitcase upstairs I need you to leave she started to grasp just how "harmless" it was.

The photo that bothers me the most is one of this huge happy anniversary honey I still love you after 20 years display that my wife had someone plant on our front lawn in late September 2023. She started flirting with her AP soon after our anniversary. For all I know they were talking before that. My wife "cannot" remember exactly when they started up and since I cannot know for certain when it started I know it’s possible it was going on during our anniversary.

My H insisted on planning our 25th wedding anniversary. I’d preferred to do nothing as a few weeks before he was planning to D me for the OW.

But he insisted. I said ok.

We did a very brief overnight at a top of the line hotel, dinner - very romantic.

Had I known the affair had rekindled about 2 weeks prior I certainly would not have gone out and celebrated.

But our anniversary is no longer anything special (to me) once I learned the truth about the affair and his continued plans to D me for the next 2-3 months after our anniversary.

I can’t imagine being a grub that sniffs round strangers for attention and ego strokes. While lying to their loved ones.

.... Just wanted to put out not all grubs are out for attention and ego strokes...

It took a while to be able to look at any photo from the dark ages of the A.

However, it sounds like you're already healing the right way.

All I see in any family photo from any era now, is a guy who loved his family and approached each day happy to be a dad, and always tried to be a good husband and partner.

Those frozen moments in time are simply me being me with the best and only information I had.

Of course, now that our M has healed up, I don't look at my wife as someone who failed. She did fail, and she did fall, but I understand a whole lot more about what made her ego so fragile and appreciate how much she has worked to be her best self.

Occasionally, a photo can cause a trigger or unexpected reminder, but then I take in that moment and go through again how far we've come versus allowing the photo to keep me in the past.

I guess I don't think there is a system for blocking anything out or pretending the A didn't happen (which is good, I find it healthier to acknowledge the bad with the good).

I tend to focus on how much strength it took to get to a place where new memories and photos are made is also a positive.

Sorry Grubs, I’ll no doubt spot all your posts now and it wil help remove any grubbery triggers

For a long time, pictures from the infidelity period of our lives were painful triggers. All I saw in them was his dishonest POS cheater face, my clueless fool face, and kids who didn't know that the foundation of their safety and security was at risk. I purged a few particularly painful photos, but I couldn't get rid of the memories of their childhoods. I relocated a family pic with his parents to a hardly-visible nook on the wall on the side of a big cabinet.

Now I'm working on reframing. I remind myself that, in those photos, mine is the face of a mom who kept things stable for my kids, who stayed loyal and faithful to my M, who trusted and looked for the best in people. I see the faces of kids who are loved and cared for, and who would be okay because their mom would make sure of that.

I still see a nasty adulterer when I look at pics of his his cheating face, but someday I will see just a selfish, broken person who couldn't communicate or be honest with himself. It helps a lot that the pics are from a lot of years ago, and he looks so different. It's a visual that keeps triggers at bay. The older, gray-haired guy with the middle aged belly is the one who is a better man and a husband and father who is good to his wife and kids and grandkids. That younger guy, he's just nasty.

[This message edited by PurpleMoxie at 11:50 PM, Wednesday, August 20th]