SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This just sucks. Intrusive thoughts after 3 years. R isn't going badly it's just these constant thoughts. Last night I asked her if she stayed because she got caught. Her answer was a convincing "no" but my response was "how do I know that's true...I'm guessing you would have lied to some type of similar questions 14 years ago". She gave me a hug and said "This is where I want to be"...my response was "I wanted to be here all along"...ouch, that stung her I know. There were lots of tears from her and I had zero regret about saying it because it was the truth, plain and simple. Not once did I every question my commitment. This is one big shit sandwich that we all have to eat. I called for a psychiatric appointment today as IC has just not done it. I stare off into space at work. I have to stay constantly busy or thoughts start to fill the void. I want so badly to let his now wife know but I know that'll blow up in my face...as usual the BS has to be mature and not go there sometimes. In my case it's because kids, family, friends all don't know. We're getting there but I'm tired of faking smiles, faking laughs...I'm not even sure what happy feels like. It's honestly been 14 years since I think I've felt genuinely happy (Dday 1 was 14 years ago, DDay 2..finally admitting sex, was 3 years ago). My head ain't right and it needs help. For those out there feeling the same way, please get the help you need. Loneliness is not a good state to be in when you're going through this. I gets pretty dark..I hope you all find peace.

you’ve been heard.
Rant away.

I’m sorry you are struggling.

FWIW I was in your exact shoes and realized my H’s EA from decades ago was more than likely a PA. He refuses to admit and I have no proof but I’m certain I’m right.

I spent years in battle w/ him during his 4 year EA. Gaslit. Stonewalled. Refused to speak. No peace until contact finally ended.

To me I just don’t want to let HIS infidelity ruin my life. I know that sounds odd but life is short and I want to enjoy myself. I also know (as does my H) I could walk out the door tomorrow and be perfectly happy too.

I don’t know he can’t or won’t be honest about this, but that’s his problem. Do I see him the same? Definitely not You can not walk away untouched by a betrayal.

But you don’t have to let it ruin your life either. I hope you can turn this around and realize your life is NOT defined by your marriage.

Your happiness is your first priority. As is your mental health. So feel free to rant away or ho to one of those rooms and break something while shouting or throwing things.

We are here to support.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:51 AM, Saturday, August 23rd]

Just curious why not let OBS know?

Not worth the risk unfortunately. Highly likely he'd go to social media with a "burn the village" approach and let the whole world know. We've made a conscious decision to keep the kids out of it while we R. IF it came to D, then the cat would come out. AP sent a letter to my work, called me and then just sat silent on other end...he wouldn't hesitate to let the world know. I've chosen (said we, but really my choice I guess) to not take the route no matter how badly I'd like to.

Not worth the risk unfortunately. Highly likely he'd go to social media with a "burn the village" approach and let the whole world know. We've made a conscious decision to keep the kids out of it while we R. IF it came to D, then the cat would come out. AP sent a letter to my work, called me and then just sat silent on other end...he wouldn't hesitate to let the world know. I've chosen (said we, but really my choice I guess) to not take the route no matter how badly I'd like to.

What’s the big risk here? He’s the ass-hat, not you. You’re the one with integrity. He has none. Do you fear others laughing at you?

I think it’s really more about trying to deal with my own healing plus navigating the kids reaction. I can’t handle both. Should they know? Maybe, but I’d prefer it come from me.

I stare off into space at work. I have to stay constantly busy or thoughts start to fill the void.

One thing that helped me was to start doing meditation. The meditation app that I used had a 30-day "Learn Meditation" series that I completed. When I caught my attention wandering and staring into space, or my thoughts were spiraling, I could take some grounding breaths and gain focus.

I’m sorry, but I am going to point something out.

First, I was the uninformed OBS, and because I didn’t know what was going on- My kids absolutely already knew and I suspect yours know way more than you think- and AP actually did some real damage to my oldest son- and I lived almost 2 years of lies/gaslighting.

APs W divorced him because she discovered the A about 1 year ahead of me. She, much like AP and WW made a decision for me.

Which is what you are doing now. You’re scared of something, but not telling OBS is making you more miserable.

Have you considered that AP is holding it against you as a power move? Keep you in fear so you don’t tell to protect him, which is what you are doing. Once you tell OBS l? He loses his cards.

I strongly disagree with not telling OBS, and doing so is hurting both you and her