Me F BS (45)
Him WS (44)
DD 31/12/2024

Feeling lost

17 weeks past DDay.

I’m feeling lost. I’m not sure what I’m expecting from my H but he doesn’t put up a fight anymore, he doesn’t try to defend anything and he accepts responsibility for everything he did, I don’t even know what to ask him anymore, I’ve completely exhausted all questions possible and this is making me feel like ‘now what’?, he asks me a few times a day how I’m feeling and if there’s anything he can do for me or anything I want to talk about, he tells me to let him know what I want him to do. On his days off work we go for a drive through the countryside because I absolutely love the views up there it’s beautiful, we take a picnic and talk until we can’t talk anymore not just about his ‘thing’ but our M too.

I’m at a place where I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do next if this makes sense to anyone?, there’s nothing more to say about the ‘thing’ everything has been discussed, it is what it is, now what?!.

My emotions are still up and down, I’ve been having moments of happiness returning and laughing and joking with H but then I feel like I shouldn’t be laughing or happy after what happened.

I feel like my H should be punished for what he did but I don’t want to punish him, what will that achieve?, he wants to be punished, he’ll say I deserve everything I get, I did this to myself , at times he’s asked me to punch him but I just can’t, what is that going to do? Aside from leave me with a sore hand and an orthodontist bill.

When we’re cuddling I’m so at peace but then something clicks and I think I shouldn’t be cuddling with my H after what he did, but then I need to cuddle to feel at peace, he’s my H why shouldn’t I cuddle with him, what is this? I’m so lost and unsure at weather we are trying to R the right way if there even is a right way?.

Sometimes I think am I trying to get through this too fast but then I think I’m not staying and wallowing in self pity, I can’t change none of this dog shit. Am I normal for feeling all of these things?.

2 comments posted: Tuesday, April 29th, 2025

This is a problem!

13 weeks since DD and for the past few weeks my WH has started wanting to question my sexual past before we were married, over 25 years ago!.
I’ve asked him why he wants to know these things and he claims he thinks that HIS infidelity confession has triggered him wanting to know everything I’ve done pre him.
Has anyone else experienced this?

19 comments posted: Friday, April 4th, 2025

Why all the lies?

I wrack my brains often with this question and I always end up with various different conclusions, but I’d like to hear others opinions on this.

The AP’s lies. I made a very foolish mistake in contacting my H’s AP in the early days a couple of weeks before the polygraph.
She implied she’d had PIV with my H, she couldn’t remember if she’d had PIV on the night I’d questioned as she was too drunk to remember, she’d had oral with him twice, she was in a ‘situationship’ with him and lots of other things to make it look like she had something with him. At the time of her messaging me this information I was taking my son’s to a medical appointment and was reading and had to hold everything in, I couldn’t let my boys see, this absolutely traumatised me.
H begged, pleaded and was desperately trying to tell me this was not true and it was just a few kisses but I didn’t believe him, nearly two weeks I believed my H had done all the things she told me until he took a polygraph and proved hadn’t. To say I was confused was an understatement, I didn’t speak a word all the way home in the car, I just couldn’t comprehend what on earth she wanted or why. Why? Why lie? Why did she tell all those lies when this was 3 years ago and she’s now engaged? It makes no sense.
I’ve read a few times on SI that it’s recommended not to contact AP, I’ve also read online that it’s not recommended either is this because of the lying?

So my question is why do AP’s lie? Especially when there’s no reason to. Has anyone else experienced AP lies before?

12 comments posted: Saturday, March 29th, 2025

Please help me with TT

10 weeks since DDay and yesterday he confessed that AP did in fact touch his manhood.
I know in my heart that I don’t have the whole story and it’s like mental torture.
He passed polygraph for no PIV or oral but admitted to sexual contact, always adamant that she never touched him it was him that touched her, I don’t believe it. I’ve read that

11 comments posted: Friday, March 7th, 2025

So much pain

Here’s my story, married 25 years 2 sons, no major problems throughout our marriage just I feel at times we were disconnected. New Year’s Eve 2024 my WS told me he needed to confess somethings to me because he felt like we were the closest we’ve ever been in our marriage and he felt I needed to know. He told me in 2004 on a night out with his cousin he went with a sex worker, same cousin again on a night out in 2006 he did it again and then again in 2008. These were all ‘gifts’ from his cousin. Fast forwards to 2019 he started an emotional affair with a coworker which was on and off for 16 months, he’d drop her off home after work and they’d end up kissing and touching then say it was wrong and we won’t do it again but they kissed and had sexual contact 8 times in 16 months, one night he ended up in her house as she asked him to go in and they nearly ended up going upstairs for sex but he ran off, the next day at work she called him a chicken. they kissed a couple of occasions after that but then he said he realised it had gone too far and transferred department at work and ghosted her.
I’ve had him take a lie detector to confirm all these details and no deception indicated, he’s telling the truth there was no sexual intercouse and no oral sex. This happened 3 years ago and he’s just told me, I’m absolutely devastated, can’t sleep, eat, my brain isn’t working properly, I can’t hold a conversation with anyone.
I don’t know why the incidents with the sex workers don’t bother me nearly half as much as the emotional affair because they didn’t sleep together.
The constant thoughts of them kissing in the car are consuming me, I’ve tried everything to make them stop but I can’t and it’s killing me.
He’s been so supportive, he’s told me everything a thousand times over, answers all questions, listening to me and doing everything I need, he says he will do everything and anything in his power for me to work out our marriage and everything he’s said he does.In 25 years I’ve only seen him cry once when his mother died but he’s cried with me nearly every day and at times begging to stop crying because he can’t see me in pain anymore. I want to work things out but sometimes the pain and thoughts are unbearable and I just want to run away.
Sometimes I’m very positive about our future and I’m sure we can work it out and sometimes I think I’m wasting my time.
He said he the reason for the affair is because he failed to put boundaries in place and it crossed the line in to flirting then taking dirty to each other, he said he got a kick out of it because she’s half his age and he was extremely flattered and his ego at work was being stroked every day, he said she would not entertain his talk about his problems and so she made him forget his problems at home (we were renovating our home at the time), she was fun to be around and he said she followed him around like a puppy and then he said after he went in her house and ran off he started to be repulsed by her.
One thing that bothers me is he says that each kiss was a mistake and it infuriates me because why did it happen 8 times?.
He says but I did stop it in the end before it went too far and he said the guilt was eating him alive.

If you got this far thank you for listening to me waffle on and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

123 comments posted: Thursday, February 27th, 2025