SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I think I’m there. It’s been 11 years since Dday. He never gave me a written time line (enter in all the excuses here), he made lots of promises about better behavior that never really consistently manifested.

His affairs were random hook ups on Craigslist (3 women, he sought out men too but said he never met up with them).

I was trying to make it work, but some things happened that changed my mind.

I’m a physician and I worked a 36 hour shift and got killed. I called him about 30 hours in, talked to him about how I really needed to just go to bed when I got home…. He then decided to wash the sheets for the first time in a month and forgot to make the bed. So I came home so tired I couldn’t even make the bed. And then he wouldn’t get the fuck out of my way while I made the bed so I could go to sleep….

The second thing- he has a benign but growing chest tumor that needs treatment. Our huge dog jumped on his chest and a look crossed his face that suggested he was going to hurt the dog. Childhood trauma victim, here. So that look disgusted me. I stopped mid word, and left the room. He then followed me and got very defensive, saying I prolly thought he was going to attack the dog.

I just looked at him and said I don’t want to be around a man who looks like that when he is angry.

Sex has been terrible for years (I havent had an orgasm with him in the same room with me in prolly eight years?). He keeps insisting he’s a nice guy.

So he’s a stay at home dad, the kids are teens now. He cannot be rehabbed into work because he has poor social skills, and I’m stuck with legal alimony for the rest of my life (25 yrs married).

I told him today that I’m not going to divorce him because he has this tumor that he needs chemo for, but that I’m quitting. I’m not doing any more work for him. I gave examples of the labor I do which goes unseen. He maybe sees it, but I’m so done at this time, I just need to stop.

I don’t want to date anyone ever again, but I don’t want the work involved with him, either. I saw this reel that was a man saying, "Men- you are not competing against other men for you woman. You’re competing against the peace she feels when she’s alone."

And that’s exactly it.

I told him we can remain married for logistics and insurance, but he has his freedoms to do whatever. I don’t care. I just won’t be doing the work anymore.

I can’t support two households and send the kids to the schools they want (my 14 yr old is MIT material, and my 16 yr old wants a private culinary school). And I can’t work 24 hour shifts and keep my kids at home with me.

But I’m done doing free work for him. I just can’t anymore.

Nothing to say, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Boom. I’m done.

And for the first time, I feel sort of peaceful.

You’ve been heard, 3yrsout.

You sound exhausted. And I am glad you are looking out for you now.

Make sure you are protecting your finances and retirement and kids college funds. He might get vengeful.

With all the remote jobs, he can’t do anything remotely? A lawyer can help confirm if you owe him palimony for life or just until retraining.

Focus on you and the kids.

Please take care of you. 3YO. I can just hear the exhaustion in your words. Good luck, and please protect your assets.

Thanks guys. He had a therapy appt today and things are weird. But they were weird before and I cared more.

This whole chemo thing is going to be an absolute shit show. He accused me today of doing this because he’s getting sick. I said if that were the case, I would have left six years ago when he had heart problems and needed an ablation for his heart. The chemo gives people explosive diarrhea. So yeah. That’s gonna make laundry real fun.

Ok, tomorrow is a new day. I’m doing a solo trip to Vegas in four days after this shift tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just stay there….

Ah, yes. Early morning walks in the strip. Gentle breeze wafting the smell of vomit in the air. LOL.

Enjoy your time away.

Sending you hugs. I think quitting your work in the M sounds like a great idea. You are exhausted. I wish there was a way for you to leave with no financial repercussions. Really hope you enjoy that Vegas trip, I'm sure you will ;) you deserve all the happiness in the world.

(((3yrsout)))

I hope you do not mind a virtual hug. Please make yourself the priority and enjoy every minute of it!

Nothing to say, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. Boom. I’m done.

You will find so much peace with this. I remember hitting that point and telling my ex the same thing. I was done. I don't think he really believed me but I believed me. I spent that time getting my ducks in a row, etc.

Looking at the ages of your children; this time will go by quick and they will be off. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are so close to that next phase of your life. You just keep working on you.

He cannot be rehabbed into work because he has poor social skills

What type of work did he use to do?

I am sorry about the cancer. It is a trying ordeal even in the best circumstances.

I've been reading your posts for years, and I think you've made a great decision.

I, too, hope you consult with a lawyer about your H's rights and duties. You may owe maintenance/alimony for only a set number of years.

In any case, I think and hope your happiness quotient will jump because you've made your decision.

BTW, MIT has plenty of scholarship money, and I believe they'll take alimony into account.

If you haven't already, talk to legal counsel. Perhaps you have a legal separation option which may lessen the financial blow to you in the future at least a little bit but still allow him the medical etc. Worth talking to someone to see what your options are.

I understand the feeling of done - it hit me one night and I never looked back and felt SO MUCH BETTER.

I live in a state where they make you write your own divorce (no, I’m serious). Then you both agree to it, mediation plus or minus, and the system is punitive if you cannot agree and it ends up going to trial.

He would prolly agree to some semblance of something fair.

Just not sure what is easiest, or even what I want. I am so done with men forever. This experience has made me want to be alone forever.

Right before I left for Vegas, we got a call from the police that my 16 year old said he was suicidal to a friend. So my WS took care of that while I went on my vacation.

The vacation was fine. It did not grant clarity.

He doesn’t have cancer, it’s an indolent tumor that never metastasizes, it just grows locally. And it’s on the outside of his chest, so it won’t cause a mass effect (cut off flow to the heart or do anything due to its size). So his meds are the most benign chemo he could have, I suppose. I also think there is a not minor component of some confusion going on. I don’t think it’s out and out dementia (yet?) but he’s gotten worse with his ADL lately.

I just feel stuck. And stuck because of myself, probably. It’s not a love thing here. It’s a finishing the job I started thing. It’s a doing the right thing issue, and all of this sucks.

The thought occurred to me to just live my life. Stop working to make it better with him, just live my life like I’m single. It wouldn’t change much. He’s not an out and out asshole, he’s just a quiet roommate.

I’m having immense guilt over not putting out (yes I said it that way) for him. I need to set that aside, because they don’t turn blue and fall off, despite what he might say. Menopause is a bitch. I don’t want to have sex at all anymore. And a large part of it is that caretaking him is not sexy. When I say caretaking, it’s more being his personal secretary and following up on stuff. Not actual butt wiping or Like I found a bill he forgot three months ago, stuffed into his ADHD pile of paperwork. So I paid it. So I just decided I’m going to intercept all the mail and double check.

It’s not much different than what I would do as a single person. I’d be checking my own mail anyway. And it’s not like he does things on his own. It’s pretty easy to intercept before he gets to it.

It is helpful to have him driving the kids around. It is helpful to not have to pay for two households. It is helpful to be able to ask him to do something, although results may vary, not unlike my teenagers. So it’s like having a third teenager in the house that’s less nasty than the ones that came out of my uterus. He’s not mean, he just has no emotional skills. The thought has occurred to me that he is either autistic or a mild asshole.

Either way, I think I am going to just let this fungate and necrose and see where it goes. Maybe he will file for divorce (unlikely), but in the mean time, I just won’t do any more emotional labor for him or work to make us better.

I have video games and friends for fun, I enjoy my job and don’t need him to have a good time.

It truly is like the Dread Pirate Roberts. Good job, I might divorce you in the morning.

It all sounds like a lot of work to be honest. And I need time without more work. Who knows what the future will bring, but it sure as fuck won’t be a knight in shining armor, so I’ll hole up in my hermit crab shell for now and see where the tide takes me.

Thanks for the support, peeps. I appreciate it. It will be interesting to see where this goes in the end. I’m guessing it will be the SSDD because I’m not choosing anything else.

But maybe that’s ok? I don’t know. It’s ok for now I guess.

Maybe after my 14 year old launches it might be different. Maybe if Vin Diesel hits me up in my DM, it will be different. Maybe I’ll have an exit affair, who knows. At this point, I feel like I have no marriage. Just a roommate. And I guess that’s ok.

I have mixed emotions about this thread.

On the one hand, the WS seems like a real deadbeat jerk. I have no reason to doubt that’s true. Certainly I can relate to the pain and agony of dday. There’s no excuse for that.

I can also relate to the realization that divorce would likely mean paying large sums of money to the WS for the rest of your life. I’m in a similar situation. It doesn’t seem fair or just when you’re the one that protected the marriage and earned more income over 20 plus years.

But…

When my wife decided to cheat on me, it was a week after we’d agreed to work on her laundry list of issues she had with our marriage. It was after she’d already "walked away from the marriage" and was just phoning it in for almost a year. It was after her list of grievances had escalated to unreasonable expectations that I doubt any person could meet.

My WW quite quit our marriage, then had an affair, instead of doing what grown ups do and just leave. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. And I don’t deserve to be trapped in a loveless marriage where I’m sleeping in another room on a cot.

So my plan, despite the financial impact, is to keep trying my best while transparently preparing for the divorce that seems destined to be.

I’ve never cheated on anyone. I don’t want to quit my marriage. I really don’t want to have to pay my WW 50-60k a year for the rest of my life.

But my integrity and my soul (not meant in a religious sense) just mean more to me than anything else. I’m fearful I won’t have the strength to do what needs to be done. I’m also saddened that I don’t believe my WW will be able to meet the low bar of not cheating on me again while also wanting to be in the marriage she’s already vowed to be in. But unlike my wife, I’m communicating this all the time, and I’m not taking shortcuts, because she and I deserve better than that.

I know this sounds judgmental, and it is to some degree. But it’s not without understanding and empathy for your situation.

Also, my WW recently told me she "would not come for my money in a divorce" which I also have mixed feelings about. By law she’s entitled to it because it’s not mine, it’s ours. And there are understandable reasons for why marriage works like this. Of course I don’t believe her, but it’s a nice fantasy to imagine.

I think for me the way it’s going to work is that near the beginning of next year I’ll have my financial house in order. I doubt we’ll be in any better shape than we are now. And after some reflection, I’ll likely file.

My hope is that my wife and I can reach an agreement where maybe she gets the house but I don’t have to pay alimony. But I’m trying to prepare for the worst, she gets the house and I still have to pay alimony. Talk about walking on broken glass.

I just hope whatever happens, in the end I can stay the man I want to be, not someone I wouldn’t want to be or be around.

Anyway, good luck whatever you decide to do. I know this is hard.

[This message edited by 4characters at 5:23 PM, Thursday, May 8th]

Yes, I totally feel the lack of integrity I have right now.

This is certainly an ego dystonic move for me. And I feel it. But it’s less ego dystonic than paying 1/3 of my income to my spouse.

The shitty thing here is that he and I would have to agree on what’s fair. And honestly, looking at that, I will not ever be able to retire. I’m almost 50, and I would be looking at working another 10 extra years to recoup what I would need to retire.

Frankly, he is aware of this, too. I am 100% transparent about this. His wording to me was, "Lol, it was not a QUIET quit, it was pretty obvious."

So he has every right to approach me with a divorce. I’m not hiding anything. I just want out of the work I’ve been doing, not even out of the marriage. I’m just tired of pushing the boulder up the hill and having it roll back down. Imma let it sit at the bottom of the hill for now.

Your story spoke to me, too. I don’t hate my WS. I just don’t want to put in the work I’ve been doing for the last 25 years, speaking of emotional labor, etc. so I’m stopping. And maybe it will get better. Or maybe it won’t.

I would divorce before I cheat, and I’m not looking- trust me. I’ve got 99 problems and I don’t want another. The thought of even having a dude hit on me makes me want to vomit. I just want to hang out with my dogs and take trips when I want to, and stop trying to make him happy. Because it never worked. He was never happy. And I did so much pandering to that in my life, I wasted it. And he remained oblivious to my efforts and they were wasted. I guess in the end, that’s my fault, right?

If I was working harder the entire time and I knew that, and so did he, isn’t it my fault for continuing to put in the work, when he never met my effort?

If you do the same thing, you get the same results. So now I’m going to invest in me, whatever that looks like.

My kid who has some problems, the 16 year old….. one time my WS and I were talking about what percentage of my life should be taken up by a 16 year old. And we came to about 25% of my life should be the kids, so 12.5%. I am realigning my effort with that kid to equal 12.5%.

So I’m just realigning my effort away from my spouse and back to me. Investing in the ole sure thing, right? Me. The other investments didn’t pan out.

Unspoken in here, too- I’m a physician. There is something wrong with his brain of late. Maybe early dementia? I don’t know. Something is off. He knows it, I know it. We have talked about it. He’s older than me, almost 56 and he is doing more and more weird stuff. And short term memory is getting worse. I know what this is, and it’s early. So I’m battening down the hatches. I guess this is the part about for better or worse?

Not sure where that info belongs. I have many thoughts. He might die soon. He might not be safe to be alone (?). Not quite at the home health level, but something is off since he had a mini stroke a few years ago. And it’s getting worse. He is 100% functional for now, and it might be 20 years, I know that.

I think he deserves more than being found dead in a one bedroom apartment. But he deserves less than the wildly passionate younger version of me riding him like a stallion. So he gets the quietly quit version of me. Who stops checking in on his emotions, but continues to make sure the bills get paid on time. Who stops asking his permission to do things because it might upset him. And I just live my life and inform him.

It feels bad, but so would everything here. Because it is fucking bad. I can’t win. It might be another 20 years of this. Or less. Or more even. I don’t know.

It all feels bad. All the options suck.

I live in a state where they make you write your own divorce (no, I’m serious). Then you both agree to it, mediation plus or minus, and the system is punitive if you cannot agree and it ends up going to trial.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. It is typical for the divorce decree to be drafted by one party and approved by the court. I'm not aware of any American state (I assumed you are American, very American of me!) in which a trial is held without mediation.

This advice goes for everyone considering divorce...please speak to an attorney before assuming how assets will be divided. Alimony is heavily disfavored by American courts today, so it is not always granted. Further, even in states where it is granted more often, infidelity is sometimes preclusive unless it is condoned (weird way of saying it was forgiven). In your case, since the affair happened so long ago, the courts would consider it condoned, but that doesn't mean he would be awarded alimony. Finally, how property is divided depends on whether you live in a community property or equitable distribution state.

One more thing to consider...filings and decrees are public record. That fact can be useful when negotiating divorce. If the STBX does not want their dirty laundry aired in public, they can sometimes be persuaded to be more reasonable.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. It is typical for the divorce decree to be drafted by one party and approved by the court. I'm not aware of any American state (I assumed you are American, very American of me!) in which a trial is held without mediation.

As an attorney I am also not aware of any american state where you can't consult with counsel about separation or divorce and have them assist you? I'm admittedly interested to know where this place is!

That being said, why do you have to live in the same house with this person anymore? I mean fine - don't file for divorce. Get a second home or an apartment or whatever you want for you or for him. That is the beauty of a marriage - it is a contract - but it's not a contract that says you have to live in the same house. This is why I thought speaking to an attorney might help re the laws in your state re separation as there may be a way for you make something work for you.

As far as the duty issue goes - I totally get that. But it sounds like you need an emotional divorce. Dropping that duty is part of that and your WS needs to realize that he has to figure out his shit and who else he can rely on to help you as you are not an indentured servant. He needs to take some responsibility for himself here - it's adult time.

As an aside - terminating my marriage cost me a lot of money and I too added an extra 10 years (at least) to my retirement date because of it. That kept me pinned for a bit - now I can't even image not having done it.

Oregon. You can consult an attorney, but they don’t help much at all. I have consulted a few. No one has returned my calls. Evidently it’s not lucrative here. At least not enough to return phone calls.

And one attorney was the husband to one of the nurses I work with. And I name dropped on the voicemail and told her to ask her husband to expect my call.

No return call. (She was a friend I worked very closely with. She said their wait for attorneys for divorce is almost a year? It’s sick.
Most people are writing their own and submitting it uncontested.

Either way, we could mediate this. It’s not ugly or anything. It would end up being a 50/50 split, he’d prolly get the house and half my income until I die. I’d get my retirement, which is about equal to the value of the house. Or fuck it, he can have either. I really don’t care.

I don’t want to work as a physician until I’m 75 or 80. I can retire at 65 if I stay married. I’m exhausted. I work 24 hour shifts and am up all night. Exhausted isn’t even the word. I want out of all of this. All of it.

Frankly, one of us is probably going to have to go to the heavenly attorney (HA, Jesus LLC might be able to help….) to get out of this. It’s exhausting to think about having to pay him half of my income until I die. It’s exhausting to think of even trying to work through any of it.

Frankly, I have thoughts of cheating just to make him file. But that would take effort. Effort to like put on makeup and act cute and all. And frankly, that, too, is fucking exhausting.

I have my own room in our house, I’ve been sleeping in the marital bedroom out of guilt or something. I don’t understand. Definitely not having sex, though. That’s dead.

It would be an easy answer if he was an out and out douchebag. He’s just lazy and prolly autistic and getting old and thinks with his childhood trauma and his penis. So minimal work has been done. When I say things like, hey, I want some emotional connection, I get the "wow, so do I!" And then a promise for a date that never happens. Yes, I’ve tried to schedule that stuff, too. But he sulks and says insensitive things on the date and it’s not worth it. Better to just stay home or go out with girlfriends or the kids. More fun.

I think the only answer here is to wait until I’m ready to divorce (not sure what I’m waiting for, but it feels wrong for an unclear reason at this moment.). I think I’m waiting for him to do it? I don’t know.

I have a lot of childhood trauma over divorce (briefly, mom divorced my dad because he was lazy, then she married an abusive asshole who traumatized the shit out of the family). I stayed because for real, I was worried that he would date some nasty 20 year old who would be terrible to my kids.

Mission accomplished, kids are old enough to fight back if he got with some skanky girl. My eldest is trans, so that stuff is complicated.

And now I’m here, 11 years past DDay with the same emotionally immature person with whom I have rugswept to get by. My eldest kid had some very serious behavioral issues, which have now resolved mostly, so it’s time to recenter the spotlight on me.

I just don’t know what I want. It feels dirty to divorce over "not being in LURV" because that’s what got us here in the first place. I now have good boundaries and will leave him if he farts wrong.

But he’s done nothing. Nothing bad again. But also nothing healing. He’s just mediocre.

I full well know I can leave because I don’t like the way he chews, or that he mouth breathes (he does, and I swear to god that I might leave him over that. Seriously).

But all of this feels exhausting and I need a break. Between my 16 year old and him, and trying to keep my medical career on point during a pandemic, I need some mother fucking rest.

And it’s not coming anytime soon unless I have a serious medical episode that takes me out of work. No worries, I already have a DNR do not treat unless I say yes POLST, so there is a way to be divorced to the bright lights in the sky, lol. I don’t know what I want.

I hoped that he could step up and be a sensitive human being. But that has failed. He’s not evil. He’s just not nice. He is sooo defensive, but that’s not an issue when I ignore him and avoid engaging him in trying to make things better.

Trying to make things better (Tm) seems to make it worse. He says something rude and insensitive. Nothing mean, just ever so slightly rude.

It feels very much like I’m single anyway. Minus the alimony. It feels like I’m in an arranged marriage. There is no emotional connection anymore, but I think I’m dead inside anyway. Can’t connect with me when I’m dead emotionally.

The past five years has been a fucking shit show. Between taking care of a kid who has sooo many issues and trying to muscle everyone into compliance with social norms, I just need some sleep and a break. And then there is the whole ptsd from providing medical career during covid. Shit’s bad when *I* was watching a woman’s airway. I’m an OB doc. I can find the cervix, but the vocal cord are a bit more of a struggle. And it was terrible watching 20 year olds not breathing in the ICU while having their families accuse me of putting microchips in them.

Not sure what I want. Yes, I have seen a wonderful therapist. She was great. I did EMDR, all the things.

Pretty sure have to want something different to change things. But there is nothing to want here. I can’t make him change. I don’t want to pay alimony and I want him to be absent or magically become emotionally mature. Not many ways to accomplish all of those things…..

He asked me last night what I wanted from him,
To try to make things better (trademark), lol. I laugh because "Making things better" has been the goal for the past eleven years.

Are we better yet? What the fuck does better look like?

At this point, I just want him to NOT impede my efforts to make my life better. Sit in the corner and leave me alone is my ask. Do not decide to wash the sheets for the first time in a month when I’m coming off a 30 hour shift. Just leave it all alone, thank you.

But I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. Because that answer doesn’t exist. There isn’t anything I can think of.

And same with "making things better by divorce". I would have to be up for 12 hours post call to drive the kids around to their activities while I’m so tired I can’t function. At this point, I just want everyone to leave me alone.

Not you guys,
Not saying that.
Just the fuckers at my house.

I appreciate the solid advice. I just think there is no fixing this, it’s living with it being broken. Or separating which is biting off a new set of problems.

I think if I had a job where I slept for a few hours every night, I might feel different. I was hoping five nights of uninterrupted sleep in Vegas would bring clarity, but no banana.

I feel no more clear than when I left.

What I really want is for my WS to turn into a sensitive guy. And that won’t happen.
So I’m mourning the death of my hope. And maybe I’ll amputate the dead limb one day before sepsis sets in my soul?

Oh, 3yrsout, I feel your despair in the depths of my being. I am not the primary breadwinner, so financial reasoning is different in my situation, but the death of hope, the bitterness, the dissatisfaction, and the overwhelming *exhaustion* with life - that I know well. I too have a teenager who was going through some big emotional challenges. She's not 100%, but she's finally doing better, and of course I'm going to pull the rug out from under her by filing for divorce.

You said up thread that all the choices suck. This is true. But some suck worse than others, and it sounds to me like you want to divorce, but you don't think the timing is right. When I was feeling that way, what helped was to promise myself that I would leave him in 2 years. I've decided to do it sooner for reasons, but knowing that there was an end to the nightmare gave me a measure of comfort in the worst of times. Can you promise yourself you'll leave once your younger one turns 16 or 18 or whatever feels right to you? Or maybe promise yourself that you'll leave as soon as you can afford it, and worse those financial numbers out in a spreadsheet or with a retirement planner?

One thing that tipped me over the edge was realizing that we're getting older (I'm 50), and there might not be a lot of functional years left. How many of those years do you want to spend taking care of your roommate? Mine is also ADD/chaotic neutral, and I have long covid (going on 4 years), so I just don't have the capacity to pick up his slack anymore. He needs a new wife who has the energy to deal with his disorganization.

I'm amazed that you have lasted 11 years. That shows a lot of strength, but we all have our limits. It sounds like you are stretched close to the breaking point. Is there anyone you can talk to who will care about *your* health?

PM me if you want a divorce attorney in Oregon to talk to. One of my best friends from law school is a family attorney in Portland.