I posted previously and appreciate all of the responses. I had a LTA 20+ years ago that I have never disclosed. At the time I thought we would stay married until kids were out of the house and then divorce and I always intended to take the secret to my grave. Along the way, but particularly since 2018 when I started being home (semi-retirement / working remotely) and since 2020 when we became empty nesters, I have fallen deeply in love with my wife. We have always been super involved parents and in retrospect we put zero focus on our relationship over the last 25 years in lieu of always focusing on our kids. I am pretty sure that was mostly me as it was easier than confronting what I had done.
I have been in IC with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. I have had a lot to unpack from childhood trauma (messy family with a father who was a serial cheater / divorced when I was 11, being sexually active from age 15 onward which did way more damage than I could have imagined, etc). I still really struggle with the shame spiral and worrying that my wife will wonder how she ever loved me once my wife sees the "real" me, but am committed to disclosing everything. I know disclosure puts my marriage at risk and not sure what I will do if my wife does not want to reconcile. I do know that I want to rebuild a relationship that I burned to ashes unbeknown to my wife and to do that she needs to know everything about me.
My therapist primarily works with the BP and is bringing in a colleague to help with the disclosure. He primarily works with waywards that are also sex addicts, but is modifying the disclosure to fit my fact pattern. I am terrified on so many levels. We are targeting early August as we have a bi-annual family reunion that is a big deal for my wife (almost 40 years of tradition with her extended family) and we are trying to find dates that are not around any significant events (birthdays, anniversary, etc.) that will forever be associated with DDay.
I am having a difficult time getting past the shame spiral. I want to be ready to support my wife and focus on her healing and I know that wallowing in my shame is not helpful. I can intellectually say that I know I did a bad thing, but that does not make me a bad person; however, seems like I am applying a lens to every aspect of my life that leads me to thinking "I am a bad person". My last therapy session was rough and I kept asking what if I am really a bad person. I know myself best and I have so much self-loathing that seeing how anyone, especially my wife, could see me differently is hard right now. I know some of this comes from my infidelity and hiding it for so long, some of this comes from feeling like I was abandoned by my dad (and even my mom when she remarried, which is totally unfair as she made so many sacrifices for our family), and some is feelings of inadequacy as a father, but knowing the source and changing my perception of myself seems like an impossible chasm to bridge many days.
Therapy is helping and even ChatGPT has been a good resource, but I want to post in this sub as DDay gets closer for accountability and advice. As scary as disclosing is, continuing on with status quo is untenable. I would sacrifice anything for a time machine to go back and warn my younger self of the impact my terrible choices would have. Knowing my wife will never see me the same again is so hard to think about. I should be her ride or die, provider and protector, lover and friend and instead my actions are what her worst enemy would do. I want to be there to support and help her heal if she wants to reconcile, but have no idea how someone would trust or allow the person who is inflicting the damage to do that. My therapist keeps telling me not to assume what my wife will feel or want. I want to be ready to be there if my wife will allow me and that requires me to stop focusing on my shame so any suggestions from those who have walked this path are appreciated. Also for those so inclined I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf. I want to believe in a path that leads to a happy ending, but many days that seems so distant and unrealistic.
[This message edited by feelingverylow at 5:23 AM, Friday, July 11th]