SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I seem to only post on here when things are bad.

Very short background. OH had an affair that lasted a few weeks with a work colleague. We had a 2 month old at the time, my dad was diagnosed with unexpected Stage 4 cancer and died 6 weeks later, and he went and slept with her on a night out in a prebooked hotel the night of the day he died. He went chasing after her when I found out and treated me horribly. She rejected him as she found out about me, and he came crawling back.

Triggers are getting worse. He's full of remorse and really tries his hardest. He's stopped going out, is always telling me he loves me and rings me on work lunch breaks etc for reassurance. He even proposed to prove this is what he wanted. However it came out a few weeks ago that he had unblocked AP as he was at work and needed a plaster (he works for a huge college, surely there was somebody else he could have asked???)

I don't go out the house anymore. Even seeing the same make and model of her car is enough to set me off. All I do is sit and think about what he did. I'm on maternity leave so not a lot to do. I have so many questions of things that don't add up, yet when new information comes to light when he's being honest it sends me on a downhill spiral that can last for days.

It's 1:30 of the morning, I'm too scared to sleep because of the nightmares. I can be sat watching tv and suddenly unwanted memories pop into my head and within seconds I'm in hysterics. I can't think of my poor dad without being reminded of the affair.

It's putting a strain on our relationship that is causing more anxiety incase it pushes to do it again.

I've tried counselling which didn't help. I've got a therapy assessment session on Tuesday but I'm not hopeful.

What self help did everyone find worked with PTSD? I'm desperate to just get back to some sort of normality. It's been nearly 5 months since DD and I just seem to be getting worse. I miss my old life and would do anything to get it back.

Please see a doctor about some sleeping aids and figure out what will help you. IC with a therapist that specializes in PTSD or has a trauma-informed background. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) psychotherapy is helpful for those with PTSD or other trauma.

Is your WH helping you with this attention or do you think you need him to move out for a bit so you have some space to process things? Is he in IC to work on becoming a safe partner? He's broken NC, and you finding out sets your healing clock back to zero.

You may wish to read or listen to The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Besel Van der Kolk. It isn't infidelity related, but is about trauma and indicates that doing exercises (similar to yoga or pilates) helps your body process through the trauma.

I'm too scared to sleep because of the nightmares

Yes, many of us here have experienced the same. Sleeping only a few hours at a time, if that. The nightmares. Betrayal trauma is the worst.

On Tuesday with the therapist, I would first and foremost focus on separating your partner's affair from the death of you father. The two are unrelated.

There is a very unfortunate connection, but unless your husband knew about your father's imminent demise, establishing a connection will interfere with your resolving the affair with your husband and your future. Please ask your therapist to help you with a way to do this. Hopefully this will help you to handle the other complicated tasks you need to focus on in the relationship. It's a good place to build a connection with your therapist. You can do this.

I remember this stage so well. Your nervous system is still on high alert. Your WS still works with the AP and he broke NC. For a freaking band-aid. I mean….c’mon. That is a made up excuse if there ever was one. And you are still getting trickle truth. So your system knows he is not safe for you at this time. So honestly, your body is behaving correctly based on what all you have been through.

Talk to your doctor. I went on anti-anxiety meds for about a year— they helped but it takes a few weeks for them to kick in, so don’t delay. Also, therapy works over time, so you need to keep at it. You need safe outlets for everything - even if you don’t feel different when you walk out of the office, just having that safe space to express everything with no judgement is so healthy and helpful. As Leafields said, find one who is trauma-trained. I used alternative therapy for my PTSD, but I was a little further in healing. Ive heard good things about EMDR.

But the biggest help is that your WS be present for you and be safe for you. Is he looking for a new job? How does he explain breaking NC for a paper cut (or whatever)? The AP should be the VERY LAST person he reaches out to. Has he read books, is he seeing an IC, is he digging really deep into WHY he allowed himself to betray you? Or is he white-knuckling the easy stuff? It sounds like he is doing some of the stuff you need, but he needs to step it up. And he needs to help you through the triggers. And tell you the full story, no more trickle truth. it won’t remove all the triggers, but it will help.

(And I totally get the car thing. I used to cringe whenever I saw a BMW sports car— AP drove a $100,000 car so thankfully not too many around, but it took me a LONG time to get over the tension when I would see them. Thank god she didn’t drive a more common vehicle.)

Hang in there, pineapple. This is a marathon. See your doctor to help you get through it.