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This may be long so bare with me and if i dont really stick to a time line again sorry ill try my best but i feel i need to share with others who have been through the same thing, I have familiarised myself with some terminology but again bare with me.
My partner and I have been together for 11 years, July last year we entered a really tough patch in our relationship. We tried working through it while living together as a family but it wasn't possible so in September I told him to go stay at his parents for a while.
During july-sept he and a joint friend (F) pushed friendship to a line that was not comfortable, messaging all the time, spending alot of time together and as stupid amount of X's at the end of both of their messages. I adressed it with him and he cut her out of his life as did i and was assured it was platonic nothing more by them both.
Since July and even while he was not living at home we continued to work through our problems, at least i thought we both were.
Dday, buckle up.
Valentines day of all days, quick rewind our daughter attends gymnastics each Friday and we both attend to support her jointly and also spend some time together, the Friday before which was the day before Dday he was off and I could tell something was weighing on him, he told me not to comfort him which confused me. Little did I know what it was that weighed on him.
He asked to come over Valentines day because we needed to talk, I thought the worst thing he could have said was that he didnt see how we could repair and that we should end the relationship completely, again I could not have been more wrong.
He started by asking for me to promise him that his relationship with our children would not change, again I reasured but he needed to know, I was more confused and bracing myself for the end of our relationship, to then be hit with he was still in love with me. He should have never left, he missed us, our family and me and he wanted to come home. Ok not what I was expecting so I threw my arms around him because for 7 months that is what I had wanted to hear but he told me to not hug him, that he wantes to lay all the cards out and be transparently honest and open. Confused is an understatement now.
So the bomb dropped and I fell silent.
Mid Novemeber he bumped into the friend, went for coffee and poured out how he felt to her and they started talking again.
For reference and please no judgement my WS uses a smokable plant medically for pain.
Talking happened at her flat where he smoked himself numb, it went from a couple days a week, to every day to him staying there on her sofa. Days before our anniversary (which is in Nov) they kissed, then at the end of Nov they slept together. He was staying there almost every night and started to sleep in the OW bed. This lasted through Dec and into early Jan.
I was speechless, which takes alot, I felt everything and nothing at the same time, i was silent for what felt like an eternity, i had so much going through my head but not a single sound would come out, not a sinhle tear fell it was just silence. The woman I had worries about had slept with my partner, shared a bed with him, kissed him.
I threw up because in Dec we had also been intimate over xmas while he was here, after I threw up the damn burst I collapsed on our bathroom floor and an ocean of tears fell and finally sound came out of me, sound I never want to hear again, pure pain in noise.
He sat by me but didnt touch me he was still in tears from when they started to fall as he was telling me. He asked if he could hold my hand and hold me, I didnt know what to do as his arms have been my safe place for the past 11 years yet now they were tainted, stolen in a way.
When the pain stopped taking over my voice I started to ask questions, mountains poured out but not the why. He answered every single one of them and my followup ones plus the follow up ones from the follow up. I told him he could have come here and stopped at wanting to come home so why did he tell me, his response was he couldn't fix us on a lie he had lied too much and for us to rebuild he had to be completely honest and hope I had it in me to want to fix us after knowing and he couldnt put me through the pain if finding out 2nd hand it had to come from him, he had also come clean with his dad who had apparently made everything clear for him.
He never loved her, he had no feelings for her, the sex was aweful, he couldn't perform and he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, the OW wanted more and wanted to tell me, which according to him was one of the wake up calls that, that wasnt the life he wanted. They never went on a date, never snuggled and never cuddled in bed or after sex or to go to sleep. Like I said I asked alot of questions some of which I didnt want to know but knew I needed to.
I caught a family photo we have on the wall, I saw our children, saw the home we have built, the past 11 years and the love I still felt for him.
I made the decision to try, to rebuild.
Fast forward 3 days I learnt my sister had found out 3rd hand and I was thrown back to Dday, I wanted my safe space and he came running. We talked more (we had done over the days following DDay) I had more questions which he answered and as soon as his arms were round me I felt that familiar safe feeling again.
He has now cut OW out of his life, blocked her on everything, told her I know and that he wanted a life with me, OW told him to F off and have a nice life...classy.
He stayed for a week at home, the first night i stood in the doorway to our bedroom because sharing a bed with him had suddenly become unsafe, my brain has made a safe/unsafe list which i hate because I feel like so much has been stolen from me. I can't be intimate with him because it isn't safe, it took me a few days but I finally was able to kiss him and I can share a bed with him, the whole time he reassured, didnt preassure and we talked through everything.
The past week we have started to slowly work through things, he feels like my safe space again and he is annoyingly be amazing.
Our communication has been the best it has ever been and I can see we are building something new and stronger. He is now also gaining control over is smoking and seeking help. I was also able to be intimate with him and I didnt have any thoughts of them. Unfortunatly the 3rd time I did think of them and I instantly stopped, talked but I have gone back to I can't be intimate with him.
Which leads us to now.
My sister hates him but she also is almost punishing me for making the decision to not kick him to the curb, telling me I have made a mistake.
I have not been able to go into our town because the OW works there.
I can't be intimate with him again and I feel like I should be preparing myself for the other shoe to drop but he has said this is where he wants to be and even mentioned marriage (which i told him to propose now would be stupid but it made me smile).
I just want to feel normal for one minute.
I still worry even though he has physically shown me the OW is blocked from his life, I worry if I dont hear from him when he finishes work or if he has to go into our town without me. He is phoning every day, messaging through out and providing all the reassurance I ask for and even when I dont.
I dont want him to feel he is now living under a harsh rule regime, that I am bringing it up every day but it has only been a week and I am still so vulnerable.
I can see light at the end of th tunnel and it's closer than it was. I want to not think about it anymore, I want to trust him.
Sorry this has been so long and thankyou for sticking with me.

For God's sake, woman, don't apologize to us - you've been through a horrible ordeal! I'm glad you reached out for help. There are a lot of great people here, with different viewpoints, and I'm sure you'll find words of wisdom to help. And plenty of experience.

The first thing that strikes me (and I'm not going in any logical order) is that this OW is like a spider. She's been waiting for him, or whoever maybe, to come into her web. She may have caught him at a weak point when he wax max vulnerable but I don't think this will happen again. I would advise him to be careful who he talks to - certainly he has to avoid her, but he has to be careful of talking to any woman like that because there are a lot of predators out there, which is how she strikes me. Some people just take advantage of the misery of others and use it as an opportunity to latch on. Yes, I know he has agency and he had choices, but he's also in a more vulnerable state because of his emotional distress over your relationship and his use of substances. They weaken resolve.

Personally if this were me, and this might not reflect you at all, just my reaction to this, I'd yell him for the better part of a night and then tell him the hell with it, come home and we'll work it out. Just don't see this spider woman again. Then I think you have to work on the real issues which is why you were separated in the first place. This whole episode with spider woman seems like an anomaly to me and not something he's regularly going to be doing. I don't see him doing this again. I'd just chew him out and then forgive him and try to move forward, especially with resolving those initial underlying issues.

As for the intimacy and trust issues....that just takes time to resolve until you feel comfortable again that you can fully trust him. Don't over think or over value what he did with spider woman. It doesn't sounds like much anyway compared to what you two have had. Sound pretty piss poor to me actually. I think if you start just touching each other casually maybe just in passing. Stroke the hair, squeeze the arm, pat the ass.....it will start to come back. I think he's basically the same guy - he just fell into a hole. IMO, he's worth pulling out.

Eryn,

so sorry you had to find us.

You have experienced a trauma, and it will take YEARS to recover, typically 2-5. I just want to be realistic with you. So any type of reconciliation (R) is a long journey full of lots of twists and turns and big ups and downs. So if your emotions are all over the place, totally normal.

What is your WS (wayward spouse) doing to fix this? Is he seeking professional help like IC (individual counseling)? Is he going to NA to stop with the weed? Is he digging deep into why he continued if it was so awful (and I frankly find that one a little hard to believe 🤷‍♀️ — maybe in retrospect it was bad, but he kept on going back so….)?

He needs to get tested for STI/STD and so do you. Who knows what she may have shared with him, and we’ve seen too many stories where people caught something from their WS. Do not have unprotected sex until you are both tested and he shows you the results.

Are you in IC? That will help you process what you want and need going forward. R can be possible, but don’t promise it yet. You need him to prove that he is truly changing and becoming a safe partner, and it will take a long time for you to trust again. Totally normal, just the way it is. Share with people in your life who will support you no matter if you R or D (divorce). As you see with your sister, some struggle with this, so choose carefully who you share with, but get support if you need it. If he is embarrassed or ashamed, too bad. Just a consequence of his actions.

Please take extra good care of yourself - eat healthfully, drink lots of water, get some exercise and sleep. Avoid alcohol and drugs as they don’t help when you are in crisis.

Do not let him blame you or the ‘rough patch’ or even the AP (affair partner). She may have pursued, he may have been sad and feeling uncertain, but he made 100s of choices to cheat and lie to you. That is 100% on him. All marriages have rough patches. Life gets tough sometimes, but he needs to find out why, out of the zillions of choices he could have made, he chose to betray you. How else can he figure out how to never let that happen again if he doesn’t get to the root of why he did it this time. This is also why we don’t recommend marriage counseling (MC) at this time. The M wasn’t the problem. He was.

Has he voluntarily shared all passwords and location with you? Is he reading up on the effect of trauma and infidelity on marriages and the BS (betrayed spouse)? He really needs to be driving this - his made, he needs to take the lead in fixing it.

Keep posting. Let us know if you have kids, your own income, etc. It will help us advise you better as you manage through.

Oh, and read in the Healing Library and look for all the posts with the bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum. You may have to go back a few pages, but there is gold in some of these posts and resources that will help you.

Lastly, trust that you will get through this. It will suck and take longer than you want, but you will get through it.

Hi Eryn,

"Welcome" here, even if noone dreams of joining the BS side, I know you are hurting a lot, the 'good news' is you will feel better and become stronger, with time and the correct actions you will be able to rebuild what is now your shattered self.

He asked to come over Valentines day because we needed to talk

Sharing misfortunes might make you feel less lonely, I have found out 2 Days before Valentine's day. Difference is I found out the lie alone, she did not confessed it, and that was DDay#3.

I get how you feel.

Now few things about your Wayward Partner and you. To give you some structure to the chaos of emotions you are feeling, it will hopefully make you feel less lost:

During july-sept he and a joint friend (F) pushed friendship to a line that was not comfortable, messaging all the time, spending alot of time together and as stupid amount of X's at the end of both of their messages. I adressed it with him and he cut her out of his life as did i and was assured it was platonic nothing more by them both.

Be always very wary of "friendship" between a woman and a man.

While it is not impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual), it is always "conditional".

- Is possible if the other woman is your friend (or a close common friend of both)

- If she is a childhood connection

- If she is gay

- If she is related to you

- If she is related to him

- If he meets her with you or in social settings (if they meet more than a few times alone, exceptionally, that's leaning into dating)

- Absolute and complete transparency with you

This are examples where a man and a woman can genuinely be friends. And sometimes sex still happens (even with your 'friends' or sisters, is just the way it is).

Your red flags and alarm bells told you already everything you knew, so it's no surprise there, you were not controlling, your jealousy was natural because you spotted danger, sometimes when you see the truck racing at you it truly means is going to hit you in the face.

The thing to learn to understand relationship tiers with others is called "boundaries". When even one is crossed, that's where is no longer 'friendship' (appropriate) and becomes 'sexual attraction'(inappropriate).

Each boundary crossed makes the next one easier to cross. Sex is just few boundaries away from "inappropriate".
Defend your and the bond's boundaries, always.

He should have never left, he missed us, our family and me and he wanted to come home. Ok not what I was expecting so I threw my arms around him because for 7 months that is what I had wanted to hear but he told me to not hug him, that he wantes to lay all the cards out and be transparently honest and open. Confused is an understatement now.

This is not a bad sign.

Of course is bad and the 'unthinkable' trauma happened.

But this signals regret, if not yet guilt. It's important that he came clean instead of you finding out, it means he "owns it" and takes accountability (at least partially), which is the critical starting point for a wayward partner if they are ever going to put in the work to change their character flaw.

It hurts because he lied, because he cheated, because he replaced you with the OW, but he realized it was not about you or the OW, it was about himself and his flaws, and he fucked up your life for his stupidity.

So it's painful, but is a good start, many of us never get a spontaneous confession, we get lies and have to find out on our own.

He lied but he came clean.

Bad, but somewhat "better".

Days before our anniversary (which is in Nov) they kissed, then at the end of Nov they slept together. He was staying there almost every night and started to sleep in the OW bed. This lasted through Dec and into early Jan.

--cut--

He never loved her, he had no feelings for her, the sex was aweful, he couldn't perform and he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, the OW wanted more and wanted to tell me, which according to him was one of the wake up calls that, that wasnt the life he wanted. They never went on a date, never snuggled and never cuddled in bed or after sex or to go to sleep. Like I said I asked alot of questions some of which I didnt want to know but knew I needed to.

Right now, be wary of a thing called "trickle truths". He might not be malicious, he might genuinely see your pain and have an ambivalent desire to clear his dirty conscience and at the same time telling you an "edulcorated - edited" version of the truth that you can take, with the idea that will hurt you less than the full unedited truth.

Well it does not, it mixes lies into a confession, it will "eyedrop" the pain in different moments, so you don't get the full blast now, but it also ensures in the future you will find the lies (they never stay hidden forever, weeks, months, years, decades.... they always come out in the end if you both live) and it will hit you again with the full force of what you are feeling now, right when you thought you were healing.

He thinks he is sparing you pain, he is not. He is ensuring a longer period of suffering for you. Just mentioning this is what goes through the mind of many wayward partners, is natural, not evil, but hell is paved with good intentions and you are having a rollercoaster ride through the abyss right now.

So, not to be hard with you but just to prepare you to not feel the carpet swept under your feet again, understand this is the purpose.

I am a guy, some things really sounds.... unlikely.

Here is what seems to check out and what doesn't:

- He never loved her. Possible. Even likely. She was a replacement of you for a void he felt. She might have been just a body to keep him warm while he missed you, but she was easier and less complicated to approach than to approach the solution to your relationship problems (likely his character flaws, often low self worth, people pleasing, avoidance, compartmentalization).

A man can have sex with a woman feeling next to nothing at all.

This is usually difficult to understand for women (some do but is pretty rare), because you need emotional connection and safety to let go physically.

But it is usually this way, think of prostitution. You have not "zero feelings" but they are so mild that is like you have nothing at all for this woman. Feeling usually develop with time, intimacy and connection (in this kind of relationships) and if he did not start with feeling connected, it is very unlikely to reach the level that you call "love" like you had in your relationship.

From his reaction in confessing, I'd say likely, he did not love her. He used her for comfort.

- the sex was aweful, he couldn't perform and he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life possibly it was bad, it happens, and in some cases we still go back to that woman because "better than nothing". But it depends, how long did they have this sexual encounters? I understand almost daily for quite a while. If it was truly that bad he'd go there just to release the urge, not daily. It might be but consider it might not be the whole truth.

That he made the biggest mistake of his life. Yeah he did. And maybe this will be a turning point for him as it was for you, you were left with no choice due to his terrible choices. Now he has a choice to change, to allow you to heal from this trauma.

You paid his decision with unspeakable pain. He paid it with a piece of his soul, and that'll never come back.

He might finally be seeing it.

the OW wanted more and wanted to tell me, which according to him was one of the wake up calls that, that wasnt the life he wanted.

Of course she did. The OW is usually a lower value female than the Betrayed Partner. He chose her not because she is better, but because she is available and dirty enough to mingle with a man in a relationship (the Affair Partners are having issues as the Wayward Partners if not way worse, that's why they are happy to roll in the mud, because they feel better than they are, and also they feel "better than you" as they are "chosen" as your replacement. Is twisted and a lot to unpack, so let's leave it at that). You will hear here something like "they always affair down" meaning they always choose a worse partner than the partner they betray.

Or else, they would break up and become more selective for the next relationship. Cheating is not an upgrade, is a fall in the mud.

The "wake up call" might be both "a genuine realization", or "damage control", telling you before she does. I do not know what is the case, but be careful.

He is showing some signals of remorse and shame, but you need to understand this: Your Partner can lie. He lied to you a lot, he is a liar. Take whatever he says with a pinch of salt. He might learn to stop lying, but it will not be a killswitch, is part of his character flaw. Just preparing you not to cling to hope or fantasy, you need to detach from those, for your own protection.

They never went on a date, never snuggled and never cuddled in bed or after sex or to go to sleep.

I am calling bullshit on this. They might not have been "on a date" as an official couple (more by fear of being found out and you getting to know than anything elase, because surely they enjoyed spending time together).

The second part is a lie. Not that you need to desire to be warm and cuddle with a woman you keep just for sex, but it's always "the price to pay" to be sure there is a 'next time'.

You have sex with a woman, you hold her because after she will be close to you and expect this. Unless you want to make clear there is not going to be a next time, if that's the case, you dress up, say bye and cross the door blocking her number and making sure she will not contact you again.

He was in the first category, not the second.

Sorry Eryn, I know I am being harsh, but do not believe everything or cling to fantasy, this is not a fairy tale anymore, is hell, and acknowledging it will help you climbing up from this abyss faster.

I caught a family photo we have on the wall, I saw our children, saw the home we have built, the past 11 years and the love I still felt for him.

I made the decision to try, to rebuild.

Means your attachment is healthy, now is deeply wounded, but what you feel is normal in a healthy attached woman.

Your feeling are normal, he mattered for you, you want to restore what was broken.

Just know this: the relationship is dead. What was before can never come back. Betrayal killed it all. Right now there is no past, no present, no future for the old relationship.

You can never rebuild.

You can only build something new.

And to do that, this is the most important step to take before anything else:

- The BS heals the BS

- The WS heals the WS

Only after healing you can start truly rebuilding, which means reclaiming connection and rebuilding trust, one day at a time.

Do not miss this step, is the foundation to Reconciliation.

I was speechless, which takes alot, I felt everything and nothing at the same time, i was silent for what felt like an eternity, i had so much going through my head but not a single sound would come out, not a sinhle tear fell it was just silence.

This is called Betrayal Trauma. It's normal you feel this way.

This is not emotional like an heartbreak, it is mental, physical, emotional, identity and reality shattering. Is among the deepest abuse a human being could ever experience, is not a figure of speech, is in the top echelon of those.

Is what you need to heal because it can turn into PTSD, and destroy every aspect of your life for decades.

Therapy and Individual Counseling with a good specialist will help you to heal this wound.

Talking and making sense of the chaos you feel here can also help you, but you need therapy.

Take it from a guy who faced it alone and paid the price for 17 years.

I can't be intimate with him because it isn't safe, it took me a few days but I finally was able to kiss him and I can share a bed with him, the whole time he reassured, didnt preassure and we talked through everything.

Perfectly normal, you must feel safe for that, you need to restore your emotional connection at least in part before connecting physically. Is a bit the opposite of what happened to betrayed husbands, physical connection to rebuild emotional.

That should come back as long as you rebuild trust.

One word of warning: watch for "the ick" if that happens in the future you need to treat it in therapy.

It does not happen always, but sometimes the betrayed partner develops physical disgust for the body of the Wayward partner.

It happened to me, I wanted to vomit every time we got intimate, and it just got worse with the years, to the point I did not wanted to touch her, kiss her, have sex with her, because it was repulsive.

I did it out of duty, and hated it and myself for what I felt.

Hopefully is not the case, but a red flag to watch for in the path of healing, it can show up immediately or years later. It can go away, but sometimes it is permanent if not addressed, and in that case there is no coming back from that.

My sister hates him but she also is almost punishing me for making the decision to not kick him to the curb, telling me I have made a mistake.

Understandable, the healthiest way to heal from betrayal is to end the relationship and root out the cheater from your life, memories, worries. Like they never existed.

However, you still love him. And that's deeply human.

Your sister cares for you, but she should understand that you made a choice to give a second chance.

This is not weak, this is brave.

And she must respect it, no matter if she can't understand it right now, is none of her business.

she can support you, not criticize your choices.

I have not been able to go into our town because the OW works there.

She was already capable of ruining your life by stealing your man.

Don't give her any more agency.

Just how much power and influence over your life you want to give to a worm?

She is not worthy.

You are.

Live your life, heads up, she will live in the mud, you will leave above ground.

I can't be intimate with him again and I feel like I should be preparing myself for the other shoe to drop but he has said this is where he wants to be and even mentioned marriage (which i told him to propose now would be stupid but it made me smile).

I just want to feel normal for one minute.

It can go either way, but the most important thing for you is to find clarity now.

You must heal yourself. Share here, get advice from those who have been there where you are now.

Find a good counselor for IC.

Read the articles here and the healing library.

The BS heals the BS. That's when you will feel noraml again, and not just for a minute.

And the WS must heal the WS, for a true R to have even a chance to begin.

I can see light at the end of th tunnel and it's closer than it was. I want to not think about it anymore, I want to trust him.

It is really too fresh for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now you are in shock, then it will come anger, then sadness, then anger, grief, detachment, and only in the end you will have stability. Only if you start the healing process, or you risk to become stuck somewhere in a feedback loop (trust me, talking from personal experience, don't do my mistake)

Do not face this alone Eryn, you will find help, and you will raise to be yourself again, I can promise you that.

Your man might even rise above the person he was before, if he put in the work he can.

Last, the most important thing you need is not to hear "it's ok" or "it will be ok". Right now it is just "not ok".

You simply need to be heard.

You have been heard.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:58 AM, Tuesday, February 24th]

Welcome to the club that nobody ever wanted to be a part of. You have found a great place for support and advice

The fact he volunteered everything to you is a big Plus in my opinion. When we become suspicious, start digging, uncover an affair, get gaslighted, it takes a lot longer to R. You are starting off in a much better place because his guilt was too much and he had to tell you what was going on. My wife was perfectly comfortable keeping her fun little secret to herself. She had no problem pretending everything was just fine :/

I will never allow my wife to have a male friend. Call me old fashioned or insecure but this is trouble waiting to happen.

I can understand you not wanting to go into town for fear of seeing her. My wife's AP worked at the school so whenever I had to go to the school I would constantly wonder if I would run into him. He's gone but every time I go there I am reminded of what my wife did to me.

But please do not let his betrayal keep you prisoner. That is your town as well, take it back!

He should start IC and you would probably benefit from talking with an IC as well. He needs to fix himself and this does not happen overnight. Hold off on MC for several months. If you get to a point where you think you want to work on the relationship then start MC.

SI's rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from being betrayed, whether you D or R. Betrayal dumps a lot of pain on the betrayed partner, and it just takes time to heal, more time than anyone likes. It probably takes longer to recover when one Rs than Ds. That at least makes some logical sense - recovering from the pain and rebuilding a relationship is more work than just recovering from the pain, and more work usually takes more time.

But recovery will take a lot more time than you want it to take, whether you R or D.

*****

The roller coaster and pain you report is pretty normal. It's a good sign that you're not suppressing your thoughts and feelings. That's the first step in recovering.

Have you considered IC to get help with your healing? A good IC really can help.

*****

R is eminently possible if you both do the necessary work. You need to process anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. Your partner needs to stop over-using weed without over-using something else and to change from cheater to good partner. Honesty is crucial; R is impossible IMO without it.

The work isn't easy, but it's worth the effort.

Firstly I am blown away by the support from you all and wish to thankyou for your honesty, your kindness and well all of the above.

Im going to answer some questions that have been raised, share more as it is helping and also share my day today.

I am seeing a therapist and have been for the past 7 months, I am speaking about this with them and it is helping. I am also journaling however being gentle with myself when it is too painful to write it down.

My WS has been open with his parents, my FIL (father in law) had a 5 year affair 20 years ago. My MIL found out because the OW came to their house and told her. My MIL and FIL are still married and happily so that also adds to why my WS speaking with my FIL was a turning point for him. He is waiting to start therapy to.

It has only been just over a week since DDay but he is now being honest about his smoking and telling how much, how often and where and has said he wishes to gain control so I am going to suggest a support system such as CDAT (i am UK so here that is County Drug and Alcohol Team) because I can not heal myself and his smoking but i can support. It is hard because I am grateful for the openess regarding it he is now showing but I am also struggling to trust fully, hopefully time and action on his part will heal that.

I am still struggling to understand why he went back, basically lived there for just over a month if the sex was aweful and I have communicated this to him. We have had more conversation than I can count and from those he has said that her flat provided a place for him to numb himself and after a couple of times he may have continued to retain that place to numb. I am still struggling alot with this. I know I am saying 'he said' or 'he told me' because that is all I can go off right now. Apparently he stuggled to 'get it up' every time (they had sex about 6/7 times he has said, also that he said no more than he said yes) he struggled to perform and finish most of the time. Nothing but (sorry TMI) penetration and kissing happened, again I am struggling with that too but each time I have asked or we have spoken about it what he says remains the same with a few extra details each time, but the same. She gave him big ICKs and when he wasn't there and either thought of me or saw me or saw a picture of me he would be able to get it up, still doesnt explain why he chose to go back to her again and again. Yeah I am struggling with that, or how he could share a bed with her and then share a bed with me at the same time basically, that still makes me feel so sick.

They used protection each time and we were tested end of last week and both negative for everything, thank god.

I understand and I am so grateful for the advice that he may be holding some things back to not cause anymore pain, I agree aswell that I will not be able to fully heal unless the whole truth is out in the open to me.

My sibling .. this part causes me anger.

(This below is not from my WS it is from my sibling)

The OW went to a friend of hers while she and my WS were sleeping together, she spoke about a new man she was seeing, mentioned my WS by name and that she had a crush on him for years and was happy to see where it went. That he had a crazy ex (me, always a pleasure to be called crazy, I mean it know I am but nice to see that others see it too HA) but that I was going to be told about them soon and she was excited to become a step mum again.

Oh I saw red at that last bit.

This friend of the OW then, not knowing me or who I am told my sister as they are friends.

The anger in her voice when she told me, she has now banned my WS from her house and tells me alot that I am making a mistake and has said she doesnt support or agree with the decision I have made. Well I mean what are younger siblings for if not to tell their older sister how to run their lives.

She knew for a week before my DDay, she wanted to gather more evidence and proof before telling me, the anger for me comes from that she knew and did not once think to confront her BIL, my WS.

According to my WS he never stated to her they were in a relationship, she never spoke about wanting to be a step mum to our children, other than saying she missed her previous step child and when she would ask where things were going with them he would change the subject. Again I want to believe it is just hard right now.

I have also not reached out to the OW, I dont want to.

I think thats the questions answered, if I have missed anything I will answer.

After posting last night I journalled because sharing here created a strong enough feeling that I was now ready to journal. Alot came to the surface and the anger has now come, last week I was numb basically and I retreated into a cave basically but I was so angry with the OW, DDay the rage I felt towards her scared me. I wanted to physically hurt her, feel the impact on my fists and I have never felt that way and I scared me so much because I never thought I was capable of feeling that much rage.

Now I am angry, angry that during that time I was healing and he was hiding and sleeping with the spider woman (FYI thank Bondjanebond for that, it is now how I am referring to the OW), while I was here addressing issues that I could address he was doing that. I am angry that she knew what she was doing, that they both did yet dis it anyway. I am angry at the lies. But that oddly doesnt change the fact I am still in love with my WS and I do want to continue rebuilding our relationship into something stronger and happier than it was.

Today.

I allowed myself to be in my emotions, I will not allow fear to control my life. Thoughts came and went today but for the afternoon and till now there is anger yet calm and I can say right now I feel ok.

I might not tomorrow and that is ok but I am happy to be feeling ok right now.

My WS invited me to join him today on his work lunch break, we went for a walk and talked but just about normal stuff, about how funny our daughter was on the phone with him last night, I told him how me and her danced around the kitchen last night before bedtime and about how lush it was to see the sun after what feels like 4 years without it. He reached out for my hand and it was a nice break from big conversations that have pain as a side dish.

I am also with the support of the only person I have told (my closest friend who has been such an incredible support, shoulder to cry on, words of advice and seing things from a different perspective and not once shaming me for the decision I have made, instead she called me brave and that she would be here with me no matter what and also wont shun my WS) and my WS will be going into our town on Friday. You were all right she has taken so much from me I refuse for her to take the place I live and love from me. The three of us are going for breakfast and window shopping and they are both doing it for me, so I can heal.

Signing this off feeling ok tonight or as close to ok as I can be.

Thank you all.

Oh there was another question, yes I have my own income, we have 2 incredible daughters although the youngest currently wishes to rule the world with fire while riding a unicorn, I know his password to his phone and he tells me when he gets to work, when he gets back to his parents (i haven't got to the point i can have him live here full time again). He also either messages if he has to go into our town and will then phone me while he is there.

It is annoying in a way because he is being amazing, reassuring, constantly telling me I shouldn't be apologising when I need to talk about things (thats part of my makeup .. im British we apologise to doors when we walk into them) telling me where he is and asking what i need from him to fix this.

[This message edited by Eryn19 at 11:42 PM, Tuesday, February 24th]

I'm not you, but I'll go so far as to say you want your WS to change. You can change, too. My reco is to stop apologizing.

My experience is like that of most others who post here: life is a roller coaster ride, especially for the 1st year after d-day. Thoughts come at the speed of light, and you'll probably find yourself making contradictory decisions within a millisecond of each other. My reco is just roll with what your mind does. Have faith that you WILL eventually settle down one way or another. Have faith that the time you take to make your decisions will be only a small part of your lifetime.

Above all in what you've posted, know that love helps R, but it is insufficient for R. For that, you both need to heal, change, define what your new M will be, and be active in creating your new life. As I write, Love helps but is insufficient.