SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, and we have 2 children. On March 24, 2025, I discovered my wife's affair (phone sex) with a longtime friend of hers who lives in another state. To my knowledge, it started one week before I walked in to witness one of their sessions. I am pretty sure that the affair is over, and that there is no contact between the two of them.

As many of us have done after discovering an affair, I went through a period of compulsive fact finding, internet searching, and snooping. During my frenzy of looking for details, reasons, and answers, I also discovered a 3+ month long emotional affair taking place via text messaging with a family friend- a different man who is divorced and whose children are friends with ours. Our kids have had many play dates and sleepovers. I have clearly expressed my knowledge of their relationship, my concern about it, and how it affects me, but unfortunately, it is still continuing.

The bulk of her conversations with the EA OP are not privy to me, although I have seen some of the messages. She is very secretive and protective of her phone. To my knowledge and from what I have actually seen their text conversations are not flirtatious or sexual, mostly friendly banter and sharing internet memes. My displeasure comes from a few reasons. Texts between them occur every day- including weekends and holidays- and can amount to 50-75 texts per day. They sometimes start before she is even out of bed in the morning, and continue until around 9:30 pm. I am uncomfortable with another man texting my wife good morning and goodnight. I also feel that the effort and energy that goes into maintaining their relationship is a detractor from our marriage. I sometimes think that my role is to be there for the tired feet, long work days, and sick children, and that the OP is there for the laughter and fun. Unless I initiate it, rarely is there a lighthearted midday text exchange between us. (Although they do happen- rarely- starting from her.) Particularly hurtful to me was a moment last week when she told me that she was too busy at work to read a text from me, but the phone record shows 20+ messages exchanged between the two of them.

During our evenings together, if I had a good day, and I can maintain a good mood, we can be great together. We talk and laugh together. We kiss. We cuddle. We have really good sex. But If my day was challenging, and I’m not particularly chipper, then all bets are off.

I have my first appointment tomorrow with a psychiatrist to begin to work through some of the anxiety, panic attacks, and sadness.

I am hopeful that we can reconcile, but I am not sure how to move forward from here. I am more concerned about the EA than the phone sex of six weeks ago. As I mentioned earlier, we have discussed this, and she knows how and why I feel this way, but doesn’t seem to be willing to stop. At least not yet.

I love her dearly. Do I still have hope? Am I overreacting?

  Moving to General

Asking for WW input in the JFO forum won’t work, seeing as WS are not allowed to post there.

Hello Justabouthere and welcome to SI. I’m sorry you had a reason to find us, but glad you did.

I have clearly expressed my knowledge of their relationship, my concern about it, and how it affects me, but unfortunately, it is still continuing.

The only thing you can do is to remove yourself from her infidelity. There are topics pinned at the top of JFO and will help you navigate this new discovery.

I am hopeful that we can reconcile, but I am not sure how to move forward from here.

Unfortunately trying to reconcile with someone actively cheating is not possible. She is checked out and is not an ally in your marriage. It’s like trying to sit on a two legged stool.

Hey there-

A person who is doing these things is going to escalate unless they feel they have a true desire for change.

Affairs happen in happy marriages, too. The escapism is usually to deal with something, a void, within themselves. They seek external validation to feel better about themselves but it’s artificial and can not really replace taking responsibility over her own happiness and doing so in much healthier ways.

Yes, if she wants to fix this and do the work needed on herself, of course there is a chance for reconciliation. I would think about what you want to see from her in order for you to consider it. I think at a minimum she should go to therapy and start thinking about what she truly wants in life. I do t really just mean marriage, but she needs to think about healthier ways to manage her stress and happiness.

Is she around forty? Kids partly or mostly raised? She could be having some sort of existential crisis such as the standard, cliche mid life thing. I see the highest growing population for affairs are between 38-44. I was 41.

Your WW is ACTIVELY CHEATING on you and SEVERELY disrespecting you texting that much, friend. Even if that is all that there is which it probably is not. And. on a related note..are you sure that it isn't physical? Because I sure as hell would not be!

She is 46. I am 56. The children are 10 and 12. We are pretty well off, and I was able to fade into retirement at 55 to be the house-dad. I have absolutely no regrets about that decision whatsoever.

She refers to the PA (which I consider phone sex to be) as "fantasy and escapism," that wasn’t premeditated. I truly believe that part is over. On the other hand, the continuation of the EA is more painful, and at this point there is no acknowledgement on her part that it is reasonable for me to feel this way about a "perfectly innocent friendship."

We have only been discussing the EA for about 10 days, and only twice over that span of days, because I’m afraid of being too tiresome to be around.

I asked for input from WW’s to get an idea of how her perspective might change, and I wondered if there was any sign that I could watch and wait for. I’m perfectly content to be patient if I need to be.

Am I overreacting?

You’re under reacting. What were her consequences for her sexting affair? What have been the consequences of her ongoing EA? If it’s been limited to her watching you deal with the trauma of her betrayals I’m sorry to tell you that’s no consequence to a wayward in an active affair.

I sometimes think that my role is to be there for the tired feet, long work days, and sick children,

Time for a new role. Until she returns fully to your marriage you’re there for yourself and the kids. Look in the Healing Library here for the simplified 180. Also read the pinned posts at the top of the Just Found Out forum.

I’m afraid of being too tiresome to be around.

You have pull yourself and family out of this. There is an enemy in the camp and you are "afraid" to rock the boat? Your W is giving herself to other men. You have to go hard 180, put your foot down and don't accept this one more second.

It wasn't until I got to SI and digested some harsh truths, trusted the seemingly counter productive advice, that I started to see the big picture and start protecting myself and our family. You cannot nice her back, you cannot do the pick me dance, you have to blow this thing up. Is the other guy married? You need to inform his spouse if so.

Some things we have in common. My WW was 46 I was 53, we had 11 year twin boys at the time and she started off sexting and flirting online. I did not act with authority and she ended up with 2 ONS leaving bars with strangers and one turned into a 2 month PA.

Stick around and keep us updated, there is a lot of experience here.

There seems to be some muddy water on the definitions and/or what’s going on.
You caught them having phone sex – therefore this isn’t an emotional affair but a physical one. The terms EA and PA could do with better wording: Once an affair has a sexual context it’s "physical". The physical aspect can be just as much as physical to the participant, as it is physical to the other person. Maybe a better definition would mention something like "once the interaction has a sexual context or goal, to stimulate one or both participants."

Think of it this way: If you don’t see it as sexual/physical that they get sexual arousal over texts, phone-calls or video-messaging, would you consider it sexual if they did the same actions sitting in opposing corners of the same room?

This is sexual. This is an affair.
What she’s offering you now – while in contact with the OM – might be "emotional" infidelity.

But it’s rare – if it ever happens – that a couple that had a sexual connection go back to a non-sexual connection for long.
Long-time friend? What is their past history? What about the time before you two married?

To use a comparison that might make it easier to understand your situation:
That relative or friend who tends to drink too much. The one that a month ago was downing beers and chasing them with shots of vodka. The one that got into a fight, was thrown out of the bar, side-swiped several cars before puking all over the arresting officer. The one you had to bail out of the drunk-tank next morning... The one that promised you and himself that he would never drink again. The one that then altered the promise to ONLY drink beer on weekends and forfeiting the vodka.
When that friend comes over next Saturday with a crate of suds and you her the "click" of the first can being opened... how safe and secure do you feel about him sticking to the plan?
That’s your wife.

--
There are some actions that our collective experience here on this site will indicate work at ending infidelity.

Only... keep in mind there are really only two ways to get out of infidelity, and it’s your call which way you go. The one I think you want is that the affair ends. That your wife ends the relationship with OM, and then you two can work on reconciling.
Trying to reconcile with ongoing contact... to use the alcohol reference again – that’s like taking a sixpack of Bud to an AA meeting.

The other path out of infidelity... that’s leaving the marriage. After all – if divorced then former spouses relationships aren’t your concern.

The key I want you to get from the two options is this: If you want out of infidelity you need to realize the seriousness of what you are dealing with. She needs to see the seriousness too. She has a choice: She can end the affair or accept that the marriage is over.

The collective experience factors:
Does OM have a wife or partner? If so that person needs to be aware. Don’t warn your wife, don’t tell OM. Just contact the OP and share something like:
"I caught my wife sexting with your husband. I believe you need to know about this."

Let stakeholders know. You can define stakeholders to your marriage. Kids are too young – I would leave them out of this for now. But maybe her sister, or parents, or the couple that are your best friends: "Our marriage is going through a traumatic experience due to my wife’s choice of mantaing an online sexual and ongoing relationship with another man. She doesn’t see ongoing contact as wrong. Either she or I are wrong. I would appreciate your help in guiding us through this"

The goal of this sharing is for others to tell your wife that what she’s doing is wrong. It makes her realize that it carries a risk, and that you are serious in how threatening this behavior is.

The above two issues are part of what we call exposure. It’s dragging the fantasy to light and making it reality. This tends to kill off interest really fast.

I'm going to address this part first because you need to hear it:

I have my first appointment tomorrow with a psychiatrist to begin to work through some of the anxiety, panic attacks, and sadness.

You don't need a psychiatrist. You don't need medication. There is nothing chemical causing your sadness, your anxiety is not irrational, and the panic attacks that you are experiencing is because your brain is perceiving an actual threat and your body is responding to external stress that you're not coping with.

So save yourself $200/hour because here is the cure for all your mental health ailments: get out of infidelity.

One of the cruelest things that cheater can do-- and it absolutely makes my blood boil like lava every time I read about it here-- is when a cheater makes the betrayed spouse think that they're crazy. Or worse... makes the BS's mental distress is the cause of the cheating and not the other way around.

Your wife is cheating on you with other men. She might not have opportunities to hook up with phone sex guy, but she's absolutely sleeping with the man whose kids hang out with yours. Adults don't text and talk on the phone with each other constantly, say good morning and good night every day, if they're not having sex. That's reality.

And as you have correctly deduced, you are the "husband appliance"-- there to serve as the father babysitter, perform your household duties, do all the hard labor of a marriage, while all of playfulness, joy, and intimacy goes to the AP.

But If my day was challenging, and I’m not particularly chipper, then all bets are off.

Now ask yourself this question honestly: if AP messaged her that he had a bad day and needed to be cheered up, do you think your wife would ice him out?

If the answer to that question is no, then you know exactly who her heart is in a relationship with and who is just her husband on paper.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:31 PM, Friday, May 9th]

Your wife is having an ongoing emotional affair in front of your face.

I will paraphrase some advice I got in my original reddit thread on my wife's EA:

The only reason you shouldn't have read all of those text messages is because you have tragically lost your eyesight and your lawyer is reading them aloud for you.

Edit to add: Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:37 PM, Friday, May 9th]

I love her dearly. Do I still have hope? Am I overreacting?

About 7 months ago, I was watching my wife do all the meme's with other men on her phone. I was watching her stay at work late. I was hearing her phone buzz all day and all night (sometimes at 3 am!). I was watching her wake up and immediately take her phone to the shower!

Over time I started to pay attention to her phone records and realized that one person was texting her about 60 times more than anyone else was. When I confronted her, she lied about it. When she told me I could see her phone, she first deleted all the text messages from her AP. Then when I informed her that I could restore the deleted text messages, she jumped across the car and yelled "No!" trying to grab the phone out of my hand.

It took days before she would confess, and more time still before she actually let me read the messages. Spoiler, they were not just memes.

No, you're not overreacting. You're underinformed.

My advice to myself 7 months ago, would be this. If you can't convince her to give you full access to your phone, start preparing for divorce.

Side note, when I originally tried to see the text messages, she gave me every reason under the sun that she "couldn't show me". She even asked me what I would do if I didn't get to see them, and when I said "divorce you" she said fine and said she would just walk home (which was 40 miles away on a busy highway in the dark), and she was dead serious.

You're not likely going to be dealing with a rational person when you have this conversation with her, and you need to be prepared to walk away. I say this as a person that is still in "reconciliation" and as someone that feels like divorce is inevitable. But I think my point still stands.

Thank you all for the much needed dose of reality. I appreciate the frank honesty without sugar coating.

I read the 180 articles several times over, and I am coming up with ways to implement those principles in my life. Maybe two weeks ago it would have been difficult for me to believe, but I can see there is a dignified path forward for me. I can’t see where the path winds up… I’ll let you know.

I’m sorry you have found the need to be here and you have already received good advice. If the advice seem harsh at first please understand that we have been through this wringer.

Your WW is pursuing other men. Period. She is actively in an EA and giving her time and attention to other men. Read up on the 180 and implement it to give you some headspace to deal with the cognitive dissonance. Her actions are hurtful and disrespectful to your M. Take a firm stand and establish your boundaries. You did nothing to cause her to stray. I agree with bluerthanblue that you don’t need a psychiatrist. You need a faithful spouse. Good luck.

Veteran of a spouse having multiple EAs (starting in the 90s before the term EA was a "thing"). His flirty banter and connection w/ other women stemmed from the fact he was very shy with women and gained much more confidence in his 30s (thanks to a good career too).

Two women in particular were long term problems in our marriage and he refused to stop being friends (I use the term friend loosely).

I agree that no man should be texting your wife 75+ times a day especially after you voiced your displeasure.

She continues to disrespect you unfortunately.

She continues to cheat on you right in front of and knowing that it upsets you.

It’s funny ( ) how the cheater ends up controlling the situation. My H refused to acknowledge a 4 year EA, stonewalled, gaslit me, lied AND continued to do it. I was stupid and didn’t know how to make it stop. Until finally one day after a huge argument after the OW wanted my H to be "her date" at a wedding that I stopped speaking to him. For days.

For your situation — your wife isn’t going to stop cheating unless you take action. You need the hard 180 after the shirt and sweet "this is no longer acceptable" conversation.

Feel free to check the phone bills to see if the contact stops. Feel free to know that they will use apps or other services to hide their contact — but once you have the conversation it is no longer your problem.

As a stay at home retired dad you can push her out the door and remain w/ your kids in the marital home with only a small amount of disruption to the daily routine.

I asked for input from WW’s to get an idea of how her perspective might change,

You caught her during phone sex, her world didn't get blown up..

From the perspective of a naughty child, they've been caught stealing chocolate, the store owner and you tell your kid not to do it again then proceed to buy them a burger and their favourite toy.

I can't imagine what you've just reinforced to the child.

You're both adults. You both know what's happening, so continue to use the immature childish reasoning to keep justifying all behaviours.

Also you've spoken to this man having an ea with your wife and it's still continuing?

You both need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is the "Bible" for this.

So save yourself $200/hour because here is the cure for all your mental health ailments: get out of infidelity.

There's only one way that 'getting out of infidelity' resolves the pain (grief, anger, fear, shame...) of being betrayed. That's if you stuff the pain.

Splitting immediately stops adding pain, but you still have to deal with the betrayal, and betrayal is traumatic. Splitting immediately also makes R pretty close to impossible, though the possibility may still exist.

IMO, the best way through the pain id to feel it, because feeling it lets it go. So I agree that you probably don't need meds, which can dull the feelings, and drugs are what most psychiatrists do. Some people can make use of drugs because of how the pain hits them - but my reco is that you get support for dealing with the pain directly, not dulling it. Feeling the pain head on is the fastest way through it. A good IC can help.

Right now, it appears you want to R. That may be possible. But the D/R decision can wait until your healing has started to take hold. Healing helps see your world and deal with it as it is. My reco is to start resolving the pain of being betrayed. Then look at your self and your W's behavior, and make your decision.

Just remember: R takes 2. If you're committed to R and your W is not, you can't R.

But you heal you. Your W heals herself. Together you heal your M, if you both are willing to do the work.

It might help us to get some answers:
a)Mention he’s a long-term friend. What was their previous relationship?
b)Is he married?
c)Was this physical or emotional? Was there a sexual factor (as in phone sex) or has this been purely non-sexual context?

It’s extremely rare for people to know right out of the bat if they want to reconcile or divorce.
What can be to our (the betrayed spouse) advantage is to view divorce or reconciliation as destinations but not as paths. The "path" is to get out of infidelity. Fortunately, these two paths run parallel and even share some ground along the route. That big fork where you finalize your decision – R or D – is still some way ahead.

To divorce all you need is YOU decide or want to divorce. To reconcile, she needs to be on board. While there is active infidelity – be that EA or PA – she is not on board. It would be like talking to a contractor about a new porch while your house was burning.

What you can do is start your journey out of infidelity, and offer her to come along. Only... it’s her call if she does.

I have used this comparison several times on this site: It’s like you are told you need to take a train to a distant city for a life-saving medical operation. There is no compromise here – you can’t fly, you cant get this done anywhere else.
You tell your wife that 30 days from now you are making this trip, and offer to buy her a ticket too. She refuses so you go online and make your reservation anyways. You also make one for her – just in case.
As the day gets closer you again mention that she can come with you on this journey. She thinks about it, accepts, refuses...
On the day you ask her to come along, she refuses. She agrees to drive you to the station.
At the station you ask her to come along, she refuses. You show her a prepacked suitcase for her, she refuses, you show her the ticket for her, she refuses. She does agree to follow you to the platform.
At the platform you tell her she can come on the train. She refuses. You get onboard. You wave at her and let her know through an open window that she can still come along.
As the train pulls out you might even call that she can jump on board.
At the end of the day – YOU get to that city for that life-saving operation.
She had plenty of chances leading up to that to get on board with you.

You need to stick to your plan. That plan being that YOU are no longer in infidelity.

--
IC can help you, but it’s not your mental state that created the infidelity. Infidelity is a major trauma and we are all scared from it. IC can help you deal with that.

Ask your wife is she’s willing to read Not Just Friends and do the exercises in that book with you. It’s definitely the go-to book on EA’s. I just fear that since this is a long-term friend then this has been going on in some form or another for a long time...