SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three years ago, before we were married and had our child, my wife went to a music festival with friends. While there, she was very drunk and kissed a married man she had just met. She didn’t push him away and, while she later framed it as uninvited, she’s since admitted she doesn’t fully remember the moment due to alcohol.

In the weeks after, they exchanged flirty messages. She shared personal insights about our relationship, and while she initially claimed she only sent suggestive photos (like cleavage shots), I later discovered she sent at least one partially nude photo — something she eventually acknowledged. There were also many nude photos taken during that period that weren’t shared with me, which raised doubts about what was actually sent. This is what I found when I had a feeling something wasn't right & found a cluster of nudes during a specific period of time. Which was an unusual pattern. She now says she doesn’t remember sending any full nudes, but admits she may have taken some for him in mind. There was also some ambiguity about whether they ever planned to meet again.

What made things harder was that she kept this a secret for years — through our engagement, wedding, and early parenting. I uncovered signs recently based on a gut feeling, and she admitted to the kiss and messages soon after I confronted her.

I’ve had to work through intense emotional swings — disbelief, betrayal, grief, anger, and obsessive rumination. But I’ve also come through it with a surprising amount of clarity and strength. We’ve talked deeply. She’s shown remorse, has taken full responsibility, and we’ve begun rebuilding from a more emotionally open and honest place.

I still struggle with the ambiguity — especially around the photos — but I believe she didn’t fully realise the damage this would cause, and she’s genuinely recommitted to our family. The affair wasn’t physical beyond the kiss, but the emotional betrayal was very real.

We’re considering marriage counselling. I’m working on healing not just for the marriage, but for myself.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some other good posts that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that you may need to scroll to find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be very helpful in working through a lot of things. I hope your WW (wayward wife) is in IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Generally, MC is recommended after you've had a chance to heal. The MC will work on your relationship, but aren't always well equipped to deal with infidelity.

Your WW should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint she can follow to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One of the chapters she wrote is called Windows & Walls and discusses boundaries.

The emotional swings are what we call the emotional roller coaster around here.

Welcome to SI glad you found us, there is a lot of experience here and a lot advice that won’t make sense or seem counter productive.

It sounds like you just now discovered this A (affair). In typical Dday fashion she is TT (trickle truthing). She will only admit to what is concrete evidence in front of her. I would suggest you ask for a written timeline of who, what, when, where and how. You cannot R (reconcile) if she is still lying and covering up the truth. You should sit her down and tell her you cannot move forward without the full truth and give her about 48 hours to come clean in writing. I’m not saying there is more, she hasn’t been forthcoming with information.

When I caught my WW in her A and TT that followed. Her timeline turned up many other men she was sexting and a ONS (one night stand) on a business trip. Keep peeling this onion Brother.

@EmotionalNomad, this is rough. Yeah, women don’t take tons of nude selfies for their own enjoyment, I would imagine that he received and likely still has the bulk of those photos, trophies of his conquest. We’ve all been betrayed, but the photo trend is a hard one. Those can never be reclaimed and he owns them forever, his to show or enjoy at will. Such a damaging thing for her to do. Of course, she may not have thought it through and I think it’s possible that she is reformed. People to change….

From here, I think counseling would be a good idea. At least to make her realize the harm and reduce the chance of such a thing happening again. Funny that so many of our wives report that it stopped at kissing as well. You may want to probe that claim a bit as well. The truth has to be out there to start again.