SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was here many years ago when my then husband cheated. We reconciled but he did it again. We eventually divorced.

Fast forward 10 years. The man I’ve been with since WS (46)

My gut initially started tingling. He was on his phone a lot. Told myself he’d never do that. Then yesterday when I walked in he was on messenger and immediately swiped it away…but I’d seen and so asked him about it.

He hesitated, but ultimately knew I’d seen the same, so admitted it was the woman he’d lost his virginity to….so I asked why on earth was he messaging her. He said casually that they just message each other on their bdays and randomly - just superficial! Hmmm it’s been 30 years so if you’re STILL messaging then it’s not superficial.

He makes out im overreacting- there’s nothing in it, she lives in England (we’re in Scotland but she lives in the area where he’s from and has family)

I ask if they’ve ever met or had plans to meet? No, he says, never!

My gut is screaming so today when he went to work I opened his laptop and went into messsnger.

Oh the messages were all about their connection, how they maybe couldn’t have the ideal connection but something was better than nothing….that he would always be there for her, she goes on about how she thinks of him daily, there’s one where he pleads with her not to block him, to keep chatting. Then remvy he was asking to meet up - he was down there seeing family. She couldn’t make it (it was a last minute trip) so he then tells her he’s planning on making it a monthly thing and they can meet up then!!

There were alot of deleted messages and there has been lots of calls. I obviously don’t know the content.

When confronted he went ballistic. Screaming and shouting, called me crazy, paranoid, tgat I was the one betraying him by going through his messages. Then after a while he was begging and pleading with me.

Then he said he just went along with her to appease her as she had poor mental
Health and often spoke about ending her life. He said he never told me because he didn’t want me worrying and not trusting him!!

He then circled back to anger and said that he’d done nothing wrong and that the messages were not inappropriate because they weren’t sexual!

Now, I’ve been cheated on by my ex husband so I’m highly sensitive to this. But to me this is an emotional affair…potentially involving photos/phone sex as I can’t see the deleted content. Or am I over reacting?!

I’m sorry MJ, it has a lot of the hallmarks of an EA. I don’t think you’re overreacting. The secrecy indicates that he knows you wouldn’t approve. He lied about it just being on birthdays and randomly. So you have secrecy, lies, and then a helping of DARVO.

You have every right to be upset. He needs to be educated about EAs and boundaries need to be established. That chick needs to be blocked and NC’d posthaste. He can care about her mental health or yours, choice is his.

Sorry MJ.

Thanks

I just can’t believe I’m back dealing with this. And even though he’s not slept with her, it’s still incredibly painful and triggering.

He blocked her without me asking but I don’t think it’s enough. It’s easy to unblock someone. And I now no longer trust him.

He has a place of his own so I kicked him out.

Worst of all he doesn’t think that it’s a big deal, because it’s not sexual!

He had the nerve to compare it to a male friend I have - who he knows about as ive always been transparent (this guy was a friend of my ex husband who’s fiancée cheated on him - and we found messages between her and my now ex husband! and he helped me through the divorce - we very occasionally catch up with a coffee but it’s completely platonic, always in public and never hidden - and my partner has never voiced any discomfort about it until now. I haven’t seen him actually for over 2 years!)

He has lots of female friends/aquaintences (he previously worked in a very female dominated industry) . In spite of my history, I always trusted him.

His reaction too was scary. He screamed so loudly and was pounding the worktops with his fist. It was scary. He looked possessed.

I didn’t recognise him.

This just sucks. I keep thinking about what would/could have happened if she had been able to meet him that day 😫 and I keep rereading the messages. Ugh!

Hi, I am so sorry you are dealing with infidelity with your second spouse.

Based on what you have written, if the opportunity had arisen, they would have met up for sex.

It is not his job to care about her mental health.

His reaction seemed over the top, he was angry he got caught.

The book Not Just Friends is a must read for him in this situation.

I wouldn't trust him going to see his family at all.

It is definitely an affair and definitely cheating. If you are doing something or saying something that you would not or could not do in front of your spouse, it's cheating

If it was innocent he wouldn't have to hide it

A common line for an affair is when a relationship is being hidden from a spouse. When secrecy is involved that's when the line is crossed.

I don't blame you one bit for your reaction, and I don't like your husband's reaction at all. Is he aware of your history with your ex? I would think that he'd be sensitive to that and understand that it's a pretty big deal to you. His scary reaction was way out of line on top of it.

I'm not going to go on a rant and bash your husband now, tho. I also know what it's like to love your spouse, despite them doing something terrible. My wife had an emotional and physical affair, was awful about d day, and for the next month and I'm still with her, so no judgement from me if you're mixed up and uncertain. I get it.

I know this is very difficult for you. Take your time and get your head straight. Don't let him blame you or minimize this. It's a big deal. A very big deal. He needs to own his crap, come completely clean, drop the victim attitude and stop blaming you for taking steps to verify the reality you were really living in. If he didn't do what he did, act so suspiciously, hide things, lie about it, and subsequently trigger your gut feeling you would have never gotten into his communications.

He gave you reasons to want to know what life you were living. He has no right to be angry at you for exposing his dishonesty, regardless of the method. When someone cheats, their right to privacy goes out the window if they want to reconcile and remain married, imo.

I hope he comes crawling back, acknowledges he messed up, tells you the whole truth, and starts being transparent with you. If it's what you want, I think anyone can recover from almost anything. It takes both tho, and that includes you. You have to figure out if that's what you want, and you can take your time doing it. I think you giving him the boot to buy yourself some breathing room while you decide was probably a good move.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:56 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

Mj I’m so sorry for what you are going through right now.

It sounds very much like an EA.

EA’s are extremely damaging do not let him play it down and his behaviour is not acceptable at all.

Look after yourself MJ, keep posting

You pricked his bubble he is living in. The secrecy, the sneaky phone calls and texts, the plans and now look! You have taken away his fun! I don’t know if you have seen kids throwing tantrums when their phones are taken away….its an addiction. What I am reading in your description sounds like one. A teenager here in the states beat up his teacher for taking his phone. That screaming your ws was doing was from a 12 year old.
Do NOT let him get away with saying you had no right to look because you did, and you do.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

I haven’t seen him since I made him leave. Although he’s coming later to see our daughter and collect some of his things.

He’s still trying to defend - by claiming his intentions were not bad! He didn’t intend to hurt me, he didn’t intend to sleep with her, she means nothing to him, he felt sorry for her blah blah blah!

I told him I had zero interest in speaking to him until he could own his 💩 because there is no defending his actual choices, actions, behaviour and their impact.

He asked if he could come home to ‘show’ me. NO. Again until you can sit in the discomfort of what you’ve done and figure out your ‘why’ without defending then you’re not ready to ‘show’ anything.

Last time this happened with my ex husband I did the pick me dance. Not this time.

We have a family holiday booked for in 2 weeks time. I’m just trying to get through for that at the moment.

I’ve no idea what I’m ultimately going to do. He may not have physically cheated….but my mind can’t help wonder if it would have got there had I not found it out when I did! And I’m not sure I want to repair.

Just devastating. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, took some time off work. Losing weight - last time this was welcome as I was trying to lose it anyway, this time I can’t afford to lose weight

Sorry for your pain again.

You are right to tell him what you did.

I would let him know that there is no path back to a relationship with you without him doing weekly therapy with an infidelity specialist for at least 6 months to a year.

He does need to own his shit. The words he used with her were absolutely that of an emotional affair. Let he know he needs to admit that an own it before you can even start to try and rebuild something with him.

I wish you strength in this difficult time.