SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been here in a while. I’m getting better.

One thing still has a lot of my feelings tied in a knot is this:

How did my WS pick the AP?

For me it hurts because they never worked together but the building they worked at together their companies shared a gym.

So he met her at the gym. He could tell she was into him…..

What triggers me is:
Did you see her and then decide to cheat?
OR
Did you decide to cheat and then looked for low hanging fruit?

Mind you, it’s one of those questions I should no longer ask as it serves no purpose but to torment me and neither answer makes me feel any better.

She was very plain and unattractive. She did not look like anyone he has ever dated. He went for the opposite.

Did your WS tell you how the chose the AP? Which came first…..?

I can say — that the way my wife fell down her slippery slope bothered me quite a bit the first few years, but I’m no longer haunted by it.

I think the work she did on herself, and the IC and MC helped illuminate her previous fault lines or areas of her coping skills that needed work.

I think boundaries are a comparatively new concept in human relationships, at least more clearly defined than before. I think some of us always had them, and a lot of us needed to figure them out and some folks just don’t really ever have boundaries at all.

In other words, I now understand as much as I can about a choice I never made. And it is a choice I could have made a few times in life, I just chose not to hurt anyone by being unfaithful.

That’s the thing, every step my wife took toward infidelity was a step she was sure wouldn’t lead where it was going. At first she just liked the extra attention. AP and his wife were the first people we met when we moved to this new town. Our watched each other’s kids, we BBQ’d together, my wife and AP were in the same group carpool to work, etc. The family ‘friends’ were about five years older than us, he was the ‘big brother’ giving advice and all that….crap.

Weirdly, two of her co-workers started to hit on her at the same time. The single guy, my wife thought, was being creepy, and yet, she thought she special getting the attention of a married man was somehow ‘better’.

It’s the first sign something is broken. What kind of shape is your self-esteem in when hurting two families is suddenly worth the ‘risk’?

Flash forward to the current day, and I would say my wife could explain and show better boundaries than ever before, because she feels far better about herself (although, she still hasn’t forgiven herself) than she used to. And both of us understand love and M far better than we used to as well.

The AP he cheated with was an old girlfriend. He initially said he did it because he felt bad with about how he broke up with her years ago🙄 then he changed it, to what I feel was a more honest answer, he knew I trusted him so he could get away with it. His comment also about how I was never supposed to find out blew my mind, like he was just going to have the A let it run its course and then just continue with our life like nothing that ever happened? I think after all the talking that we did, I don’t feel like he intentionally planned to have an affair with her. I feel like the opportunity of Rose and he took advantage of it.

Above all, I think the fact that he could look me in the eye and hold me and say he loved me and then go have sex with somebody else is a devastation that I’ll never forget.

I'm nearly 5 months past DD and have been diagnosed with PTSD. We had a 2 month old at the time, he went and slept with the other woman the night of the day my dad died.

I found out via her facebook. He looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to be with her. Then everything, all the lies came out in dribs and drabs. She found out about me and left him. He came crawling back and I had him back for the sake of not splitting our young baby.

I'm torn between wanting to know every last detail because it torments me, however when a new bit of information comes out because he's being honest it puts me back a million steps.

I've had counselling which I feel has made stuff worse. I'm trying therapy but I don't know where it'll get me.

Everything's a trigger, I don't go out of the house anymore to avoid it. Even seeing the same make and model of her car that they slept in together is enough to tip me over.

Lots of love to you. I come on here to try and give myself hope it'll get better some day... however can't help but feel angry that I'm the one who's suffering so badly. It's past 1am of the morning here and I'm too scared to sleep because of the nightmares.

[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 1:18 AM, Wednesday, August 20th]

The story I got (from the OW) was the he approached her in a bar. And then a few weeks later he hired her. That part I know is the truth.

And I believe the affair started very quickly / mostly emotional at first. Then it progressed to meeting in person and a few months later he’s Divorcing me for the OW.

I saw their emails b/c the OW sent them to me after he ditched her.

I’m of the mindset the BS never gets the full truth. And since they are proven liars it’s hard to know what is true and what isn’t.

The part that irks me more than anything is when the cheater swears "it didn’t mean anything". So you are willing to throw a nuclear bomb on your wife & kids & families & pets etc. for something that "didn’t mean anything".

I don’t think they "pick" each other as much as it’s two immoral lying cheating jerks who are selfish. And one is willing to be a side piece and be "less than". Accepting scraps and believing it’s a relationship.

It doesn’t haunt me or upset me but it’s been more than 10 years since the affair. I choose not to let it negatively affect me as much as possible and for the most part, it works.

But it took me 3 years during the Reconciliation process to get there.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:50 AM, Wednesday, August 20th]

We were well into our 3rd decade of marriage when my WW blurted out she married me because I was safe. Well, that was a juicy nugget of information that, thinking about the dynamics of our relationship through the years, made the most sense.

It explained why there always seemed to be another man on the periphery. Maybe it accounts for my own blindness for so many years, because I never imagined her being so mercenary about it all.

Any positive message from her now is filtered by that statement. I really don't believe anything she says when she makes statements about her love for me or how she values our relationship. She never did before, and the only catalyst that might have changed her mind is she can tell I now know more than she's comfortable with.

Hyperactive pineapple-

I’m sorry you are here. I have PTSD. It’s been years. And my advise to you is to NOT require too many details as details create a trigger factory!

I am sorry to say I got way too many details and I regret having the level of knowledge and detail that I do.

I often see that APs are often nothing special. Even in public cases, like the Jumbotron cheaters at the concert recently - the wife is much more attractive than the AP. This is NOT unusual (for males or females). I've heard of women who've picked APs who were druggies, or outright criminals, as opposed to sterling husbands. I think a lot of it comes down to.....that's what's available. Often times APs are not people with high opinions of themselves or they wouldn't want a degrading relationship like this as opposed to someone who can openly court them. So it often comes down to convenience, opportunity, willingness, etc. Someone who also pumps up the WS' ego and fawns over them. Some people like to pick an AP who seems needy or in lesser circumstances because then they can either "help" them or lord over them - both would be about wanting to feel superior to someone. I think if people have a real "choice" they pick the one that fills the fantasy need the most....and then it has to be the one who's available, willing and convenient. People with more money often have more choices because they can hire someone as opposed to finding the willing freebie.

It doesn't say AP is superior to you at all in any way. In fact, AP might be quite a bit "inferior" in terms of looks, education, job, social standing, personality - but those may not be the things that matter to the WS. It's the WS' need or desire that picks the AP - and sometimes AP just keeps going after the WS too. But I don't think this is generally a reflection on the BS at all. The most beautiful women in the world - actresses and models - get cheated on. It's a reflection on the WS generally and sometimes on marital problems, but more likely - problems with the WS.

In my case it was a tragically common pathetic story.

WH - self employed and jobs were drying up thus he had lots of free time to spend on Facebook

LTAP - bored rich housewife who's kids were grown and had lots of free time to spend on Facebook

Old friends from long ago friended each other, liked and commented on each other's stuff, started messaging, blah blah blah...LTA.

LTAP wasn't special - just available during the time I was working/parenting/cooking/cleaning/carpooling/etc. But sadly, at the time, neither was he. Just available while she was home and bored while OBS was working/parenting/cooking/cleaning/carpooling/etc. Kind of pathetic when you think about it.

Who did what first, who suggested what first, who crossed lines first is a Chicken/Egg scenario. Now that I'm years out it matters less and less because a good man can't be taken. A good man will shut that shit down and not even dangle a toe over the slippery slope. During that time...he was not a good man.

We've all had that social media friend from long ago that tries to maybe take things a microstep further than they should. Most of us see it for what it is and shut that shit down. He was weak and chose not to. That is 100% on him. IDGAF about LTAP.

I am happy to say that years later - he is a good man again.