SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends, I’m here again.

I’m sad and angry, I had a meltdown this morning, mostly because I feel angry that my H was blind to exactly what AP was and heartbroken that he didn’t protect me. It’s hard to accept that love doesn’t guarantee protection or safety.

I’m angry that for 14 years he was manipulated by his mother who’s main goal was to get rid of me and our boys, then he met AP a few years after his mother died who’s main goal was also to get rid of me and our boys.

I’m angry that I don’t understand or believe his A story, it just doesn’t make sense and I don’t think it ever will and I don’t like this.

I’m angry that now my arse has been firmly planted in reality and I’m left looking at the absolute horror of what my husband did my brain has now started wanting to excavate again, I don’t like this.

I’m angry and insulted that he chose to cheat with such low level scum. Sex workers and a coworker that in all honesty he’d have been better going in the gents toilet, lifting the seat up and licking around the rim of the bowl, it’s probably been used by less men at work and would have been much cleaner. I’m 100% convinced that it was because my H’s kissy wissy A that I got Bell’s palsy at the height of the covid pandemic and was admitted to hospital for 4 days because I have a brain condition that they needed to keep their eye on, I was placed on a COVID ward, he could have fu@*ing killed me and I’m as mad as a bear with a sore arse about that.

I bring all of this to him, he’s remorseful, heartbroken, apologetic, takes all of the rage and will sit in every ounce of pain and cry with me, this also makes me angry because he’s doing everything right and he has done for a long time.

You know, I do love my H dearly, we get on so well together, we enjoy each others company and we can still laugh together until our tummies hurt (mostly about my rage recently) I really don’t want to lose my family and have decided that I want to give R a really good try but I’m just concerned about this absolute agony pit I get myself in to. Once I get in the pit I just can’t see a day where I won’t be in pain. It really is hard to stay in the present and focus on the now.

I had my exit from my M planned a long time ago, I knew what I was going to do if needed and sometimes I think the escape from pain would be to go but the thought of never seeing my husband again knocks me sick, I know that I’d grieve for him terribly and the thought of being with another man repulses me, I couldn’t ever invest in a man ever again, it’s simply not worth the risk. I’m perfectly fine with my own company and I’d get myself a dog best friend.

I’m not really sure what to do with my own head right now as there’s a lot flying around in there, not weather to stay or go I’m staying for now but I think I’m getting tired of the roller coaster, I’m getting physically ill now too and I think it’s because of this, back, neck and stomach pain, the reason I think it’s because of this stress is because when I had a meltdown this morning I screamed and cried and shouted and my back pain has lessened drastically. I’ve done 13 months of hell and I’m ok with the 3-5 year healing period but I just want advice on how to stop this bull shit ride or at least get a significant improvement.

I have read on here that it is ok to detach for a while, well I must be abnormal because that will not work for me, if I detach I’m gone there’s no going back, that’s just how I am.

I think I need a good talking to so I’m hoping that my SI friends will help me out with that.

You will go through stages, shock, grief, anger, and so on.

It's perfectly natural what you are feeling. Embrace it and let it flow, it needs to be processed.

About detachment, it's not easy, do not worry. Detachment means being self centered, not caring anymore.
You obviously care, so you are not there.

While you are trying to reconcile detachment is difficult, it means keeping distance and boundaries more than pure detachment (that happens when your are not on good terms with your partner, different than in your situation).

It serves to protect you, is not a punishment to the WS.

If detachment means being selfish then I’d say I’m half way there, when it comes to my H yes I put myself before him now but my children no, absolutely not.

I’d say that my husband and I have switched roles when it comes to being self centred, one example is his place was in his garage, it’s my garage now, I told him that the next engine rebuild he was going to let me do it. I’m currently rebuilding a 2.0D ingenium engine, I just put the oil pump on, I even decided which one to buy, I went with a Hepu one and when it came we were so happy because it’s OEM……anyway he wouldn’t ever have had the patience to show me this before but now he’s so patient and he’s even enjoying teaching me, I love it although I’m nervous something might go wrong when we turn it over. He’s also taught me how to fully service my car and I’ve also changed the break discs and pads.

I’m not afraid to ask for what I want anymore and I tell him what I need. He asked me if I’d ever thought about how he feels and what he’s going through the other day, he didn’t ask in a selfish way he just was curious, I told him the truth, I’ve barely kept my head above water for the past year, rarely have I given you or your feelings a single thought and I don’t intend to any time soon either. That’s the truth, I’m not saying that to be mean but I need to think of myself first I can’t think of him or I’ll drown.

Bruce123 - what you're going through is SO normal and SO common. Don't feel like you're the only one, so many people go through - these moments - or hours or days - of rage or sadness or wanting to be alone or wanting to be together or being snarky to praying - every emotion you can think because infidelity shakes people to their very core. It alters people's REALITY. Here you think you know this man, this life partner, this part of your life for how ever many years, and....well...YOU DON'T!!!! He does this thing you can never imagine with someone....you could never imagine....and how do you integrate this knowledge into your understanding of who he is. It's so very hard. Now you know a big part of him, which includes lying and perhaps other bad behaviors, that you would never have seen before. This is the complete person, the shadow side of the person we thought we knew. There are just times in life, where the bad part of someone comes out and we have to decide if we can live knowing this IS part of him or her, or if it's too bad to live with. Like if you're married to an Epstein....nah, who can live with that. Or if you're married to a Bernie Madoff....maybe, maybe not. Sometimes you see something about someone that profoundly changes how you view them, and the lying really hurts particularly esp if they're good at it, you just don't know what you have anymore. Who is this person? Maybe that's a conversation to have with hubs - WHO ARE YOU? WHO WERE YOU WHEN YOU DID THIS? WHERE DID THIS COME FROM WITHIN YOU? Maybe it will help to integrate this side of him, maybe it won't.

I'd say be patient with yourself, give yourself time to recover - sometimes it takes years. Frankly I think it takes longer in recon than in people who divorce. Because in living with someone you have constant triggers that you don't have on your own. Maybe if you have some intense waves of emotion come over you, you might want to go off on your own to experience them alone rather than aiming them at him - unless you WANT to aim it at him! - and detox on your own - you might need to tell him this is going to happen periodically and unexpectedly and he has to put up with it. It's part of the price of admission. Maybe you can even take off for a hotel or a friend's house or whatever you can afford if your nerves get too raw. Another thing to do is to express your anger in a physical way - maybe through boxing something in the basement of breaking some cheap pottery or something non-harmful where you can get out physical energy and maybe scream too. I think it can help to just get rid of the kinetic energy of anger. Wear yourself out instead of directing it at someone else.

I don't know if these ideas are helpful but you might consider them. As for the AP - well, people often trade DOWN!!! It's a very common phenomenon. I guess it might have to do with availability - someone's willingness to BE an AP. This is probably not the highest class of person available. It's probably someone who has low standards or doesn't think much of themselves. I think there's a thread on here somewhere - it might be in general - and I think the name is "they always trade (or cheat) down". You might look for it. It might also be that if you're gonna do dirty deeds....you do them with a dirty person! It might be a reflection of what your husband thinks of himself or the activity he was doing. There is nothing positive in cheating so it's an inherently negative experience - to do or have done to....so someone who sucks may be most appropriate.